Dear Mom,

I love you. If you were here, I'd bake you another Carrot Cake... like I did last year. But I really can't muster the energy to bake one for myself, besides I don't need the fat/calories. I saw a hydrangea at walmart last week, and had this impulse to buy it for you. I had planned to buy it and plant it for you, but I didn't. Maybe I'll do that tomorrow.

Allan and Cyndi found out they were going to have a baby in February, but she lost it about 3 weeks after we found out. Robert had a hard time with that at first. He was so happy at the prospect of having a baby brother or sister. If it was a girl, he wanted to name her Mary, after you. I know it's bad.. but I was a bit sad when I found out them having a baby, it seemed unfair for you to have a grandchild that you'll never meet. I guess, you met him/her after all.

I've been taking care of Web's dog Abby. It's a Great Dane, about 10 months old now. She's been with me since he got her. Someone gave her to him, they were in a small apartment and she was way too large @ 6 mo. old to keep. She's beautiful, sleeps outside my bedroom door and makes me feel a little safer. But when I come in from work, she stays on my bed till I'm ready to sleep. She's a big baby really.. a gentle giant. It'll be sad when he finishes building and takes her with him. Ohhh yes, Web's building his house on the land you'd given him. They started last month, the basement is dug and they're about to lay the foundation. I think he cut down too many of the trees *even that Dogwood you and I had put a ribbon on to make sure it didn't get touched*. I know you'd have been annoyed by it, but I'll help him plant some more.

Speaking of trees... I renewed the Arbor Day membership you gave me a few years ago. They're sending me 10 Red Buds to plant, I'll give some to Web. Also, for Robert's birthday, I bought him a membership, with an encylopedia on trees, so he can learn about all the trees you'd tell him about.

I've not had the time to take care of your garden yet... It seems like such a big job and I've no clue what to do... I'll try and deal with the weeds at least. The tree/bush plant by the power pole is beautiful and full of blooms. Wish I could remember what it's called. I need to trim down the yellow honeysuckle plant for sure, starting to overtake part of the lower garden.

Jeff's ok I think. He lost his job a month or 2 ago, I'm not entirely sure why, but he's supposedly found a new one to start next week. I think there's more going on with him, but I just don't have the energy to figure it out. I offered him $20/week if he'd pick up my trash and take it to the dump, since he has the pick up and I don't like loading trash in my car. Also  paying the cell phone bill for him till he gets back on his feet to try to help out.

I'm saving up to have the flooring redone. I know how you hated the carpet, I do too really. So it'll be nice to have hard flooring down. Easier to keep clean and should help cut down on the dust. I've already bough a few pretty rugs I found on sale. I think you'd be pleased.

Amy... well she's Amy.. She's accusing some drug dealers she was having a 3 day drug party with of "abusing/raping" her. All she remember was taking lots of drugs, and having bruising under her clothing and some pain when she woke up. But she won't press charges. Also she admits to sleeping with someone else the day after it happened. Also, also... I think she'd been having sexual relationships with one or both of the drug  guys prior. So who knows. I think she was more upset they took her money... which was probably to pay for the drugs she was taking. I've sorta written her off now.

Madison and Morgan are great. Madison won 1st place in some scholastic contest, and went to State competition, however she placed 8/11 at State. I was still very proud of her. She also got straight A's this report card. Morgan got one C but the rest A's and B's. I'm not sure what happened on the C. Robert got an A in citizenship too! Who'd have expected that? The teacher told him she thought she saw something special in him, despite some poor recent behavior.. and gave him an A. He was very proud of that.

I'm trying very hard to keep doing the things I'm supposed to do. I've got money in the bank, after paying bills.. and I won a Wii at work last week. But I still am not happy or content with anything. I'm just following motions. But I keep trying, in hopes it'll be for something some day. Lately, it just seems like it's always going to be this way. That prospect is pretty bleak to say the least. I'm sorry I won't make it out to the cemetary today, Web's going out there now, I just want to stay home today.. be surrounded by you.

I love you, Mom. And I miss you more than words can ever describe. Happy Morther's Day.

The Circle...

The day before yesterday I found out that my sister in law is going to have a baby. She's about 2 - 4 weeks along so far, totally unplanned. My brother, nephew and sis in law are all so happy. I am too.. I am.. I just feel.. dunno... separated from it. It's like bitter sweet happiness that I can't think about for long or it'll make me cry. My mom and I had talked about them having a baby over the last few years... I think, even a few weeks before she died. How we both wished there was another baby in the family. Generated the what if game:  "what if I married this asian guy I liked... it'd be the first babies in the family not to be blonde and blue eyed most likely"... and how cute asian and asian mixed children are. And I would think about my what if baby, and how it'd have to spend time with my mom and learn the things I was too stubborn to learn. Then I have flashes of memories of mom holding my nephew and nieces and playing with them and looking so incredibly happy. And how I wish I had those memories of her with my what if babies. I also can't help but mourn the fact this new life will never get to know my mom.. all of us, her children and grandchildren alike were shaped by my mom. Everyone loved her more than can be described... but this one child will never have that and that's just so damn sad.

Anywho... the circle goes on.. one dies.. another's born... memories are lost... so hard to try to remember everything, I feel like keep losing things.. important things that I need to remember for my what if child.

Nothing New...

I'm sorry I've not posted, it's been busy and.. I just don't have anything that great to post about. I'm still here.... is all I can think of. I play WoW to pass the time and forget, and I work to think about other things. The time in between I try to sleep. That's everything in a nut shell.

Hope life is treating you well, and that you all had a nice holiday with your loved ones. Sad part is, I'm sure over half the people read this, have no true appreciation for how very special every moment of that holiday was. And for the few who do, you truely did have a wonderful holiday.

Now it's time to sleep. Gnight.

The World in a Hug..

I'm so very tired.  I feel like I'm getting deeper and deeper into a place I don't want to be at.  It's not a depression sorta thing so much.. well maybe a little but that's expected now I think. But more of .. as time passes, I will just continue to get more and more lonely. I was thinking about mom, and how.. I've.. always... had her. My brother's are either married, have kids or have a girlfriend. When Dad died, Mom had us.. her kids. I slept in the bed almost every night for a good year after Dad died. For the last 6+ years, she and I were constant companions, despite my hermitness... if there was shopping to be done, I'd drive 99% of the time. Any errands, we'd go together. Her Doctors appointments.. sometimes she did that solo, but mostly because she didn't want be to be nosey about her health, I think... but still, many times I'd drive and nap in the car while I waited. I think, almost every time we'd go somewhere, even if I was fussing about something stupid, I'd reach down and hold her hand. It was just ... comforting to me. I always thought she had the prettiest hands, she had long nails that rarely ever broke.. even as her hands aged, become wrinkled or had some dry age spots on them.. they were beautiful. And.. like, if we were up and about at night .. I'd pass her in the hall and just hug her. Stand there and rock back and forth a bit and tell her I loved her. And I swear, it was the best feeling in the entire world... a feeling of complete safety.. I could feel her strength and her love as she squeezed me tight. And knowing I'll never have that feeling again.. becomes completely overwhelming, even 4 1/2 months later. I know there's a chance I'll find someone I can hug .. but it'll be a different type of hug. It'll be the hug of a lover.. or a friend..  and from where I'm at right now..  those seem so completely empty. Even when my nephew or nieces hug me.. they seem so.. small. Which makes me think I must be a horrible person. These small children, who love me unconditionally.. and I'm judging how lacking their hugs feel. sigh.

So.. I keep setting 2 alarms (I'm afraid I'll oversleep, now that I don't have my mom to wake me up and keep me responsible.. I always wake up before my alarms go off though)..  keep going to work.. keep trying to fit in and be friendly, even though all I can think about is how I want to get home, so I can play my game, take a few tylenol pm and go to sleep again. And.. it just seems, that's all there is now. No trips to Hawaii like we planned, so we could go see all the things we missed on our trip there years ago. No saving up for a New Year's Time Square trip to help her realize a plan she'd made with my Dad long ago. (they always wanted to see the apple drop). She'd always told me how , when she was younger, how she wanted to see so many different places.. and I'd always tell her we could still do that.. we'd do it together, when I could afford it. All those plans, granted many of them were unrealistic plans, and.. just gone. I'd still like to go to Hawaii for her, to stack up some rocks for her in the lava fields, with a lock of her hair. Take a piece of her back there I guess. But .. there will be no joy there, just sadness. And I guess that's it.. I don't think this will ever stop.. this sadness.. this dread of never being happy again.. not like I was before.

Still Here.

Some days I have no clue how I can keep going in the years to come. It's not a money thing now.. I have a pay check, it pays the bills.. for now at least. I have a nice car, nicer than anything I've ever had before. I have made a few real life friends at work, one girl even asked me to go shoot pool with her. Though I made an excuse.. I really don't feel like going out now that I'm working. I'm tired. My immediate boss is awesome, the General Manager for our division is one of the nicest people I've ever met... the job isn't stressful yet or anything. But, ever single day I drive home from work.. I end up sobbing most of the way. Tuesday night, I had my lunch break at 7:30pm .. and I thought for just an instant, hey it's after 7 I get free minutes on my cell, I'll call mom to tell her about my day so far and see what she's having for dinner. It's the first time in weeks I've had a slip up like that. Saturday, on my way to work, I took a short cut.. it's a lil windy road.. I passed an accident and a car was flipped over on it's roof, the same fireman were there that were at my mom's accident.. the same lights.. etc. Didn't look like anyone was hurt, but I started to cry and felt like I was going to throw up for a good 15 minutes.

I'm trying so hard not to imagine into the future anymore, because that's when everything feels the most hopeless.. the most bleak. My future, as I see it now, is so completely empty and alone. And I try to reassure myself that will change.. but I really can't see how that could happen. So I try to focus on the present, never the past. Maybe the next day, but nothing beyond that. I guess, that's how it's supposed to be right now, but the future has always been my happy place. Something that would hold the "better me" who was doing everything she was supposed to do. The place I'd be able to do anything I wanted, and all the things I wanted had always included my mom.

Anyway.. as sad as all the above sounds. I'm doing ok I suppose. I'm working, I'm paying the bills and I'm living. It's more than many people have.

I still do think my cat can see my mom. He.. just acts strange sometimes, looking at something I can't see.. playing like he's a kitten.. it brings me comfort.  I dreamt about her again,  the first dream I had, I guess it felt like it was just a dream.. this one, felt like it was really her. She smiled at me and told me she loved me and that I'd be ok, I'm pretty sure I told her I was sorry a few times, I don't recall now. I asked her to come into my room to talk with me. I guess my dreaming self was thinking if it's really her, and I ask her to come into my room in my dream, she'd come into my room in real life and be standing over me as I slept. I dunno.. but I slept soundly and didn't wake up till my alarm went off... it was a nice sleep.

Anywho.. hope you're all well and happy and with someone you love.

Life After Death.

Life is .. happening.. not sure how that's happening really, but it is. And that's a good thing.

I started a full time job on Sept. 4th. It's 8am-5pm till I finish training.. will will be in approx 4-5 weeks, then it'll be 1pm - 10pm, allowing me to stay up later and sleep in as I like to do. It's fairly decent pay with AWESOME benefits and chances at really great commissions. I'll start getting free cable/internet after 6 months as well.

The people are super nice, the management seems relaxed and friendly but still professional. I hope this continues, as it feels like a place I could fit in and do well at for a long time.

I had a great interview with these people, which really helped me feel better about myself. The first *phone* interview, she lady seemed really positive/excited about me... then the 1st in house interview, the lady *a different one than the phone one*  was so incredibly sweet and friendly. She also didn't believe I was 31... she thought I was 22 or something at most. So.. she's one of my favorite people in the world now. After meeting with her.. she took me to the HR person and apparently had a nice talk with her alone while I waited.. and I was offered the job right off... went to take my drug test the same day  .. as soon as they got the results back I was able to start working.

I've a new *new to me* car... and bought some clothes for work... I shop for food, cook and try to clean up best I can.. however, I'm still messy in general. I do laundry.. do the dishes... watch tv.. and usually am ok. Some days, I break down.. and feel totally and utterly lost. I cry every day still.. but rarely the huge "I can't breath" cries. Some days I feel very positive about everything.. and feel like I might actually have a future. Sometimes.. I forget she's gone. And I think I hear her walking in the house then I catch myself.

I think my cat can see her. He's been chasing things... things I can't see. He's acting like a kitten again a lot.. it's odd but comforting. Every night around 11:30-midnight he's sprinting up and down the hall way and stops in front of her door. He's been doing this since the night after she died.

A few weeks ago, I was keeping Robert and he'd gone into the kitchen to make his breakfast drink he'd brought with him. He started playing with my word magnets on the fridge .. and noticed movement out of the corner of his eye.. he looked down the hall way *my mom's room is at the end* and says he saw meme *my mom* walking from her room to the bathroom *across the hall* in one of the nightgowns she wore.. *she wore them all the time around the house*. He said what he saw was shaped just like my mom.. and had short hair the same color/length as mom's. He couldn't see the face because it was profile and moved fast. He stood there a bit after it disappeared and then walked quickly into the living room. He didn't tell me about it till a few hours later.

Two days after Robert thought he saw mom.. I was playing WoW one evening. I had just moved mom's tv into my room, because my brother borrowed my tv for a trip *my tv is small*. The remote was sitting on my desk, away from my keyboard. At 11:30pm, the tv turned itself on. And it was on channel 11, the local station that plays music from our local am radio station and has still ads from local companies. When I turned the tv off earlier that evening it was either on Sci-Fi.. or Comedy Central. Channel 11 is the station my mom would turn on when she went to bed.. every.. single .. night. She'd leave it on all night .. if I turned it off while she was sleeping she'd wake up and turn it right back on.

Hmm.. there's been a few other small things, like I'm so sure I hear her moving around in her room in the morning. Or just random noises around the house. I'll feel a cool breeze out of no where.. or just a suddenly comforting feeling.. out of the blue.

Thursday of this week.. was my first visit to the cemetery since her funeral, slack of me.. I just wasn't ready.. I wanted to be able to buy flowers for her .. and money was just too tight. Now that I have a job, I was able to spend what I wanted to make sure she had something special. It's weird.. we always went there together to take care of flowers for my dad and grandfather.. she'd do granddads and I'd do dad's. Now.. it's just me.. however, I did find myself asking her if they were ok, like I always have.. I think she liked them. On the way out, I saw a rainbow... and decided to take it as a sign.

Anywho.. that's where I'm at.. and what I'm up to..

Here's a pic of the car.. I got a great deal on it.. 2000 Suzuki Esteem 1.8 Z or something like that for $2900.. he sold it to me at trade in price. The dealer was my brother's partner's brother in law. Super nice guy.. karma must treat him well.

Thank you to everyone who has checked in on me.. and has been thinking of me. While I don't say much, it really is appreciated.

Remembering

When I was 12, I wasn't a lot different than I am now. I played around a lot, was a tom boy... and my parents took care of me. I fought with my brothers a lot, but I loved them anyway. I never wanted to make my parents upset.. but I still did things I wasn't supposed to. My mom and dad loved me so much, I was their special little girl. And I was spoiled rotten. I would sing loudly to any music I knew the words too, and would pretend I was an opera singer if there was no music. *I don't do that so much anymore * Did you know if you sing loud enough, you don't sound sound too bad in your own head? It's true.. try it sometime.

My mom was an amazing person, she took care of us all... when my dad was alive.. she always put us kids first, but still managed to take care of him as well.  She found great joy in taking care of us... making us costumes, extra special treats for school events/birthdays. She would make me the prettiest dresses. I had lots of sundresses with lace and yellow flowers. My mom wanted me to learn to sew, I never did.. hopefully I'll learn someday.

The night before my dad died, my mom stayed up extra late to help me type an extra credit paper for the daughters of the american revolution type thing. She overslept by 2 or 3 hours because of it, woke up to find my dad unconcious on the bedroom floor, his body cool and his color turning blue. We stopped by my school on the way to the hospital to see if he had lived, to drop off that damn paper.

My mom worked very hard before and after my dad died. She took his life insurance and invested it into a company a friend of hers had started. She worked 18+ hours a day many days. She was so incredibly smart. She took that company from a make up/swatch business and turned it into a fairly successful home accessory/design company. They made pillows, home accessories, decorative boxes and many other unique things. My mom was the one who figured out how to make the complicated stuff.. how to make it the most economical way and still have the quality to set it apart from the cheapo import stuff. She got contracts from Waterman pens... Red Door perfume... Vyctoria Secrets.. and more. Nothing to make us rich, because any profit she would have made, she just invested back into the company. She took the minimal pay check, just enough to pay the bills *sometimes not even that much* so she could keep the company growing. Her partner, was "pretty" but an airhead with no mind for buiness. Her mother was overbearing and just a general bitch. One day her partner's mom decided she was bored and wanted to help run the company. My mom had no clue. She showed up one day and her "partner" told her that she didn't think they could work together anymore and asked her to leave. My mom was a trusting person. When she loaned the money to this woman, she had minimal paperwork ... nothing stating she would own any % of the company.. just a note that the partner would pay her back. The partner consider my mom's minimal pay checks .. and the pay checks to me and my brothers *we helped them when it was very busy, crafting stuff, cleaning the office, running errands in town on foot.. going to pick up food/lunch when clients came to town, etc* as payment of the loan.. she even tried to right off company bills as payment to my mom *ie .. her sending my mom to pizzahut to get food for her, her kids and my mom and me and my brothers cause we were working late*. This woman, will burn in hell for how she treated my mom.. I'm sure of this.

My mom never quite recovered from this. She'd invested what remained of her youth into a budding buisness. She went from 42 to 53.. and had nothing at all to show for it.. no 401k.. no savings.. no life insurance.. nothing. She was emotionally and phsyically exhausted.. yet she still, tried her best to take care of my brothers and I. She'd help us with any bills, bought our school clothes *while in college* help with anything and everything. She knew everything... she really did. I've always said she was the smartest person I've ever known. I have no idea what I'll do without that bank of knowledge.

After recovering from the initial shock of having lost her nest egg and not having the will to fight to get any of it back, my mom started working for J. Crew.. doing a low paying telemarketing job.. working as many extra hours as she could.. she also started working for a local lawn equipment distributor as a sales assistant. Doing office/clerical work. She worked from 8am - noonish there then left to go to J.Crew from 1 or 2pm till 10pm or even midnight. She was a much stronger person than I will ever be. I'd never be able to keep those sort of hours. I just don't have it in me. But she kept on... trying to regain some of what she'd lost. She worked till she was near an exhaustion break down. Finally she had a bit of luck and got hired full time to the lawn distrubution company and she thrived. She never made a lot of money, but they appreciated her for all she had to offer. Her amazing sense of buisness.. her insane intelligence.. her dry humor... and just her kind nature. Her bosses really cared about her I think.. and my mom cared for them in return. I was so proud of everything she accomplished there. Wishing I could do something like that.. and wishing she'd found them years earlier.

After 4 years or so there, a week or so after my dad's mother died .. we were returning from spreading her ashes in Mass. My mom was super tired, and had been coming up with massive brusining.. even from the lightest touch. The day we came home, she was covered from head to toe with tiny lil purple specs.. thousands of tiny blood vessles rupturing. Her body was killing her plateletts in mass. It took them a year to figure out what was wrong with her.. it went from cancer to lupus and on and on.. finally they figured it was some rare blood disorder, which they had no clue what caused it or any real way to treat it. They told her there was a smalll chance that removing her spleen would correct the problem. 3 other people with the same disorder as my mom.. had that surger on the same day as my mom.. my mom was the only person it worked for. So again, some weird luck. The day before her surgery, however, they desovered the medication they'd been giving her to slow down the disease, had caused her to become diabetic.. the doctors just didn't catch it.. and when they were doing her routine testing before sugery, they were shocked that she was still able to speak her sugars were so messed up.

The years following that illness, my mom fought with diabetis..  and started noticing her memory was failing her. Also she'd drop things she was holding.. a lot more than normal clumsiness could account for. The memory thing started to effect her work.. so she had some testing done, turned out her carrotid arteries were severly blocked and they thought she'd have a series of mini-strokes. She was terrorfied of becoming a vegitable.. or somehow losing her mind and being put in a nursing home. I would try to assure her that'd never happen.. I'd always be there to take care of her, and I'd never let anyone put her in a nursing home.. even in her old age. It'd always been her and me, ever since my dad died.

After over a year of treatment.. she finally had to leave work on disability. She had some money saved, but over the years after her "retirement" she used that to cover extra bills, and help her kids out of binds *mostly my brother I've spoken about many times in the past*. I had been trying to figure out a way I could make more money so I could take care of her for once.. I never really managed it. And for that I'll always be sorry.

My mom had been stressing this past year, knowing that when she turned 65 in Janurary, she'd stop recieving her disability... and she'd be living of a tiny social security check, she'd not be able to afford even half of her medication. *she took over $600 a month in medication*... she was TERRORFIED of not being able to buy food/pay the electric. What little money I made wouldn't allow me to cover everything. The week prior to my mom's accident we'd been discussing ways of getting me out into a better job.. getting the help I needed to get out in the "real world". I was feeling very positive about it, and thinking "this is good.. it's a good time, I have a lot of things I care about in my life, and being able to help my mom is good incentive" Then ... in the freakest of accidents.. my mom, is gone. My mom had very good luck... and a lot of bad luck. Falling asleep or losing control of your car and hitting a deep ditch and light poll in it.. less than 100 yards from your home.. a place where you should be slowing down anyway ... is.. I dunnno. It's beyond bad luck, I think.. it's fate perhaps. Maybe she used up all her good luck, her outs. 

Thank you again.

Thank you for all the messages/notes and comments. It's very kind of you. I'm sorry I'm not replying to messages much, just don't feel like talking to people that much yet. 

It's been 8 days now, and when I think of my mom.. I still find myself unable to breath.. I literally gasp trying to catch my breath. I keep telling myself it'll get better.. and I try to imagine what the future can/will be like.. I try to see a future/faceless boyfriend/husband.. children.. but in the end all I see is a future without my mom.. my best friend or I see flashes of her under the Blazer.. and seeing her face turn purple. And I feel physically ill and like I've been punched in the stomach. She's all I've known for so long...  I can't help but wonder, if this is how she felt when my dad died.. like losing your other half.. but at least she had us *her kids*. I honestly don't think anything ever will feel right and ok again.

I have to start getting out of the house... I think I'll be able to breath better when I'm not here so much. I think, the anxiety I get in the house has to be 100 times worse than the anxiety I have been feeling around strangers for the last 6 years.