Years ago, my friend gave me a back/bum massager that heats up for my computer chair for Christmas.  Those kinds that plug in and strap to your chair.  That same year my brother gave me an icush. I used the heating chair insert … but not often.. it felt funny in the desk chair and the massager tickled my butt too much. I never used the icush, as it’s big feature for me was it’s speakers. It has speakers that fold up on each side of the head, and the vibration will sync up with the audio. Figured it’d be fun for gaming/listening to music. However, my cush didn’t come with an extension from the speaker attachment to actually reach my computer, so I just kept it boxed in the corner. When I moved to IL, I was telling one of my trainee’s about it, and he happened to have a speaker extension. Finally just hooked the sucker up.

OMG OMG OMG OMG

I mean.. seriously. The sound part is fun, but this thing vibrates like mad. I can barely sit on it.. and if I do, I have to turn it on low… for .. obvious reasons. *cough*. On high? … well, maybe after a few drinks.

Also, when I have the Audio Sync on.. and someone IMs me, the IM beeps.. which in turns.. zaps my ass. Good times. Who wants to retype the entire Lord of the Rings series to me in IM while I have you minimize (to ensure the beep)*cough*

I have had a lot happening lately…. well a lot happening back home. Some things I can’t talk about yet, cause I don’t want to think about them until they’re resolved. They were things I can deal with.  But today, my sister in law called me to tell me they’d gotten some tests back for my nephew. He’s been having lots of stomach pain, when he was small it was the same, blood in his stool, pains that sent him home from school. They’d taken him to Duke at one point and they said he was fine but he had a slightly enlarged spleen. My niece jumped all over that but they told her over and over it was just fine to have an enlarged spleen. So this week, back to the doctor, who said he may be having stomach migraines… treated much like a normal migraine. However, during the cat scan.. they found a mass on his spleen. It could mean nothing, but with the last few years, nothing… and I mean nothing has happened with any semblance of mercy, or fairness or anything but mind numbing pain. I’ve always tried to rationalize things…. figure out the “big why”. And yes, if there is a God.. he has mysterious ways and all that crap.

Mom dies (nephews meme)… soon after my sister in law had a miscarriage (nephew’s would be sibling)… soon after her miscarriage, her dad dies (nephews grandpa)… soon after nephews house burns down….  there’s other small things but those are the biggies.

I was able to almost come to turns with mom’s accident, making myself mom picked Robert over here, in some big mystical moment we sometimes hear about. Where you get to make that one choice that alters yours and someone elses life. It comforted me that there was some reason. Took me a few months to  be ok with that choice she may have made.  After that I latched myself on to Robert and he to me. He became my extension of my mom. I love him like he was my own baby. And I told myself, a child this good.. this loving…this smart must have some grand plan.

Then he was hit with one thing after the other…. back to back to back. Loss after loss after loss. And he’s stayed, a sweet, kind, loving, smart child.

And while I know I’m over reacting… I have to be over reacting. I just felt like I was punched hearing about a mass and all the scary things that it could mean. I was ok for awhile, refusing to believe anything bad could happen, our cup runneth over with sorrow and pain. And no God would allow any more.

Then I thought.. I remember what’s been happening over the last few years. It’s like a family curse. I don’t think I could live without him…. even with me so far away. I see him every day in my head, I feel him giving me loves and butterfly kisses. My mom picked him… so he just can’t be ill, right? It’s some mass of blood vessels.. nothing more. At most he’ll have minor surgery to remove part of it, and he’ll be ok.

Is this what having a child feels like? The very idea of them having a chance of being seriously hurt makes you die a bit inside? If so, I have no idea how you real parents do it… I really don’t.

I used to think, I’d give anything to go back and be 4 again… have both parents, my brothers and just be happy and a child again.  Now.. I just wanna go back to when my nephew was 5 or so, my nieces were 3 and 6ish. My mom and I would babysit them all the time. I want that back.. then I want it frozen in a … snow globe maybe. Guess that’s why I’ve loved snow globes so much… freezing a perfect moment forever.