July 4, 2007

  • I really don’t know how I’m going to make it through this. Months ago, my mom was fussing at me about what I was gonna do if she died the next day, I was annoyed but my reply was “be right behind you”. I don’t know I can live with out my mom. Not because she was supporting me, for the most part.. but because… she was the absolute, most important thing in my life. I loved her more than myself… I let my illness make her life so much more difficult than it needed to be. I had these dreams of sorting myself out and some day, taking care of her… taking her on big vacations… buying her pretty clothes… dreams that will never happen. I feel as if I’ve lost all ambition to do better.. lost all hope that I can ever be ok again. My mom, she believed in me.. she loved me, despite my glaring faults. I know , it’s what parents do.. but .. she went beyond the call of normal motherhood, with all of her children. And still… 11 hours from it being a week, I feel like I’m rotting on the inside…. it hurts to breath.. it hurts to think.. it hurts being alive right now. I’d trade my life just to see her.. hug her.. to be able to go back in time and just .. wake up.. and be the one driving.. then none of this would have happened.. none of it.

    We were supposed to have angels watching over us.. we’re supposed to be beyond this sort of thing. Of all the stupid ways to die.. falling asleep.. less than 100 yards from your own home.. in the middle of the friggin day. Every day.. every hour.. I want to scream… scream at God for not saving her… scream at my dad for not protecting her.. scream at mom for not waking me up like I asked her to.. scream at myself for being so freaking lost I couldn’t even manage to wake up 3 hours earlier. Three hours earlier.. I could have woken up.. taken my mom to pick up my nephew .. she’d have fallen asleep on the ride home, then I would have fussed at her for not getting enough rest. Three damn hours. Jesus, I was so selfish.

    Now… I’m sitting here scared to death.. not knowing what to do.. how to support myself completely and totally alone.. how to be able to take care of all the things my mom held dear. I don’t know if I want to..  I just want to be with her.. right now.. be hugged by her.. her tell me how much she loves me and me saying the same to her.. she had the most wonderful hug.. I felt like I was 6 again, every time she hugged me. I felt like, despite my problems, it was ok because I had my mommy. And she wasn’t alone, she had me. And as long as we were together, no matter how bad it got, we’d be ok. Now.. I’ve got nothing.. my cat’s ill.. both my parents are dead.. I’m living alone, in the house I grew up in.. the house my dad died in.. the house my mom died so close to.. and while I know, someday I might change my mind.. I just wish I could sleep.. dream of my mom.. and never wake up again. I don’t want to hurt anymore.. I don’t want to see her face as it was turning blue… or see that truck on her, or see her face all bruised and bloodied.. I want to see her pretty blue eyes grinning at me as I made her laugh. And tell her how cute her nose is.. and how I wish my hands were as pretty as hers.. and how I wish I had nails like her. I want to be able to ask her questions.. because I knew she always had the answers… I want to have her tv wake me up in the middle of the night so I could sneak in and turn it off and touch her cheek while she’s sleeping with her mouth open and snoring softly .. or not so softly. I want my mom back.. so I can feel like everything is ok again.