July 5, 2007

  • Thank you again.

    Thank you for all the messages/notes and comments. It’s very kind of you. I’m sorry I’m not replying to messages much, just don’t feel like talking to people that much yet. 

    It’s been 8 days now, and when I think of my mom.. I still find myself unable to breath.. I literally gasp trying to catch my breath. I keep telling myself it’ll get better.. and I try to imagine what the future can/will be like.. I try to see a future/faceless boyfriend/husband.. children.. but in the end all I see is a future without my mom.. my best friend or I see flashes of her under the Blazer.. and seeing her face turn purple. And I feel physically ill and like I’ve been punched in the stomach. She’s all I’ve known for so long…  I can’t help but wonder, if this is how she felt when my dad died.. like losing your other half.. but at least she had us *her kids*. I honestly don’t think anything ever will feel right and ok again.

    I have to start getting out of the house… I think I’ll be able to breath better when I’m not here so much. I think, the anxiety I get in the house has to be 100 times worse than the anxiety I have been feeling around strangers for the last 6 years.