October 17, 2007
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Still Here.
Some days I have no clue how I can keep going in the years to come. It’s not a money thing now.. I have a pay check, it pays the bills.. for now at least. I have a nice car, nicer than anything I’ve ever had before. I have made a few real life friends at work, one girl even asked me to go shoot pool with her. Though I made an excuse.. I really don’t feel like going out now that I’m working. I’m tired. My immediate boss is awesome, the General Manager for our division is one of the nicest people I’ve ever met… the job isn’t stressful yet or anything. But, ever single day I drive home from work.. I end up sobbing most of the way. Tuesday night, I had my lunch break at 7:30pm .. and I thought for just an instant, hey it’s after 7 I get free minutes on my cell, I’ll call mom to tell her about my day so far and see what she’s having for dinner. It’s the first time in weeks I’ve had a slip up like that. Saturday, on my way to work, I took a short cut.. it’s a lil windy road.. I passed an accident and a car was flipped over on it’s roof, the same fireman were there that were at my mom’s accident.. the same lights.. etc. Didn’t look like anyone was hurt, but I started to cry and felt like I was going to throw up for a good 15 minutes.
I’m trying so hard not to imagine into the future anymore, because that’s when everything feels the most hopeless.. the most bleak. My future, as I see it now, is so completely empty and alone. And I try to reassure myself that will change.. but I really can’t see how that could happen. So I try to focus on the present, never the past. Maybe the next day, but nothing beyond that. I guess, that’s how it’s supposed to be right now, but the future has always been my happy place. Something that would hold the “better me” who was doing everything she was supposed to do. The place I’d be able to do anything I wanted, and all the things I wanted had always included my mom.
Anyway.. as sad as all the above sounds. I’m doing ok I suppose. I’m working, I’m paying the bills and I’m living. It’s more than many people have.
I still do think my cat can see my mom. He.. just acts strange sometimes, looking at something I can’t see.. playing like he’s a kitten.. it brings me comfort. I dreamt about her again, the first dream I had, I guess it felt like it was just a dream.. this one, felt like it was really her. She smiled at me and told me she loved me and that I’d be ok, I’m pretty sure I told her I was sorry a few times, I don’t recall now. I asked her to come into my room to talk with me. I guess my dreaming self was thinking if it’s really her, and I ask her to come into my room in my dream, she’d come into my room in real life and be standing over me as I slept. I dunno.. but I slept soundly and didn’t wake up till my alarm went off… it was a nice sleep.
Anywho.. hope you’re all well and happy and with someone you love.
Comments (7)
All you should expect of yourself is the ability to take each day at a time. Even someone who hasn’t lost a loved one should only take one day at a time.
I have to agree with WTK…and when even taking one day it a time seems too tough, just take it one minute at a time. And after awhile, it will get a bit easier. You will never forget your mom or never stop missing her, but it will get easier.
I’m still here if you need me.
xoxo
Sherri
Very good to see you post again. Remember to breathe. From what you posted, you seem to be “where you need to be at”, so to speak.
Take Care
Brian
There’s not a whole lot I can add to what everyone has already said.
Your mom will always be in your heart, and in your memory. In that respect, she’s not really gone. She’s only gone physically.
You’re supposed to feel miserable and miss her – you loved her, after all. It’s not like it’s someone you never really knew. But, yeah, one day at a time, and the fact that you’re cool with your job, car, etc. is something to take solace in.
It’s not easy now, but it will become more bearable.
Always great to read you! Sounds like you’re doing very well. A friend of mine said it once “What’s so hard about being happy? Just do it!” Sounds simplistic, but I feel like once we are the master of our minds [and not the other way around] we can truly learn to be happy.
I don’t know, dear…from everything you’ve spoken of so far, I’d say she IS standing over your bed, comforting you as you sleep.
And I’m glad you’re still posting. I’ve missed hearing from you and have been thinking of you, especially since early this summer.
Much love from the Midwest, and glad to hear you’re gainfully employed…that makes 1 of us.
Later,
-P
Happy Thanksgiving!