November 12, 2007

  • The World in a Hug..

    I’m so very tired.  I feel like I’m getting deeper and deeper into a place I don’t want to be at.  It’s not a depression sorta thing so much.. well maybe a little but that’s expected now I think. But more of .. as time passes, I will just continue to get more and more lonely. I was thinking about mom, and how.. I’ve.. always… had her. My brother’s are either married, have kids or have a girlfriend. When Dad died, Mom had us.. her kids. I slept in the bed almost every night for a good year after Dad died. For the last 6+ years, she and I were constant companions, despite my hermitness… if there was shopping to be done, I’d drive 99% of the time. Any errands, we’d go together. Her Doctors appointments.. sometimes she did that solo, but mostly because she didn’t want be to be nosey about her health, I think… but still, many times I’d drive and nap in the car while I waited. I think, almost every time we’d go somewhere, even if I was fussing about something stupid, I’d reach down and hold her hand. It was just … comforting to me. I always thought she had the prettiest hands, she had long nails that rarely ever broke.. even as her hands aged, become wrinkled or had some dry age spots on them.. they were beautiful. And.. like, if we were up and about at night .. I’d pass her in the hall and just hug her. Stand there and rock back and forth a bit and tell her I loved her. And I swear, it was the best feeling in the entire world… a feeling of complete safety.. I could feel her strength and her love as she squeezed me tight. And knowing I’ll never have that feeling again.. becomes completely overwhelming, even 4 1/2 months later. I know there’s a chance I’ll find someone I can hug .. but it’ll be a different type of hug. It’ll be the hug of a lover.. or a friend..  and from where I’m at right now..  those seem so completely empty. Even when my nephew or nieces hug me.. they seem so.. small. Which makes me think I must be a horrible person. These small children, who love me unconditionally.. and I’m judging how lacking their hugs feel. sigh.

    So.. I keep setting 2 alarms (I’m afraid I’ll oversleep, now that I don’t have my mom to wake me up and keep me responsible.. I always wake up before my alarms go off though)..  keep going to work.. keep trying to fit in and be friendly, even though all I can think about is how I want to get home, so I can play my game, take a few tylenol pm and go to sleep again. And.. it just seems, that’s all there is now. No trips to Hawaii like we planned, so we could go see all the things we missed on our trip there years ago. No saving up for a New Year’s Time Square trip to help her realize a plan she’d made with my Dad long ago. (they always wanted to see the apple drop). She’d always told me how , when she was younger, how she wanted to see so many different places.. and I’d always tell her we could still do that.. we’d do it together, when I could afford it. All those plans, granted many of them were unrealistic plans, and.. just gone. I’d still like to go to Hawaii for her, to stack up some rocks for her in the lava fields, with a lock of her hair. Take a piece of her back there I guess. But .. there will be no joy there, just sadness. And I guess that’s it.. I don’t think this will ever stop.. this sadness.. this dread of never being happy again.. not like I was before.