February 2, 2008
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The Circle…
The day before yesterday I found out that my sister in law is going to have a baby. She’s about 2 – 4 weeks along so far, totally unplanned. My brother, nephew and sis in law are all so happy. I am too.. I am.. I just feel.. dunno… separated from it. It’s like bitter sweet happiness that I can’t think about for long or it’ll make me cry. My mom and I had talked about them having a baby over the last few years… I think, even a few weeks before she died. How we both wished there was another baby in the family. Generated the what if game: ”what if I married this asian guy I liked… it’d be the first babies in the family not to be blonde and blue eyed most likely”… and how cute asian and asian mixed children are. And I would think about my what if baby, and how it’d have to spend time with my mom and learn the things I was too stubborn to learn. Then I have flashes of memories of mom holding my nephew and nieces and playing with them and looking so incredibly happy. And how I wish I had those memories of her with my what if babies. I also can’t help but mourn the fact this new life will never get to know my mom.. all of us, her children and grandchildren alike were shaped by my mom. Everyone loved her more than can be described… but this one child will never have that and that’s just so damn sad.
Anywho… the circle goes on.. one dies.. another’s born… memories are lost… so hard to try to remember everything, I feel like keep losing things.. important things that I need to remember for my what if child.
Comments (7)
I wish I could tell you something different than what you’ve already written…
remembering those we’ve lost & then talking about them as often as possible is the best way for their memory to live on
*hugs*
Write those things down, my friend, and you’ll be able to read them through with your nephew/niece in future and your own child after that.
I did it. It’s weird reading back even just a few years later – so much changes that you can barely remember the person you were, but the things you wrote are familiar but not your own. But they make great memory-prompts and can trigger some really interesting discussions.
Write them down. Address them to your future self if you like, but know that they’re better written and ignored than thought and forgotten.
And if you believe in reincarnation …
Euroasian (is that PC?) children can be gorgeous
Yeah, go with jussforkix. It is important to write these things down. If you haven’t been dreaming crazy dreams yet, you probably will soon. it sounds like you are working out a new perspective in life. Write those dreams down as well. At the end of every month, read over what you have written…. it may help.
Remember, there is balance. The night my parents divorced, two of my friend’s said “I love you” to each other for the first time. They got married w/in a couple of years after and are together to this day. Perhaps this baby will help bring some balance to your life. Besides, you shouldn’t doubt that this kid won’t see some of your mom’s traits in you.
As long as someone is in your heart, they’re never really gone…
As for your “what-if” kid, as long as you’re pretending, make him a rock star, so he’ll be rich & can take care of you…
I can’t do any more than second and third what everyone else has said, mostly because I’ve never been through what you’re going through right now. By writing down your memories and things you think are important, and always remembering her, your mother will never really be gone. I know that sounds horribly cliche…and I wish I could do better than that. We’re still thinking of you, all the way down here, and hoping that you’re well.
*hugs*
Sherri
you’ll be surprised, but at just the right moment these memories will be sharp as a pin, ten, twenty, thrity years from now… we are, to a large degree, mini versions of our parents. The knowledge is not lost, and they walk with you every day.. most times we see their eyes in ours, or their clamness and sometimes even in bits we wish we didn’t.
You’ll feel like this for a long time, but remember, their not really gone… .. they come back, in their own way to remind us.
Hope you are smiling.