It's a new year, I'm in new State and I am not gonna make any plans to do anything great, only survive. I would like to be able to get back to North Carolina in the next year or so. I really do not like Illinois. I've made some friends here but I miss family. I miss my home and I miss the feeling of being safe and home. I just don't have that here.

Other than that, I have no ambitions for love, to lose weight, to do anything. I just want to get by. Dunno if that's very sad or very smart.

Anywho. Happy New Year (belatedly) to you all.

I had a surprisingly nice Thanksgiving. I didn't break down at all yesterday. I did a bit today. I woke up at 8am.. started prepping things I'd forgotten.. got the turkey ready.. watched the parade.. averted a near crisis when I ran out of butter but found the grocery store about a block down the road was open till 3pm. Dropped some pie off at work, finished my cooking. My co-worker (prolly my best friend in this state) told me he was gonna come by but he wasn't sure when. He was gonna bring his boyfriend and our mutual friend over...  I wasn't 100% sure they were coming but they all did. I went to pick up our friend as he wanted to come hang out early. I had fun showing him how to make certain things.... he enjoyed trying all the new foods. He'd never had sweet potato casserole!! He offered to go straight if I promised to marry him and make it for him. That's a nice feeling. I made just about everything mom would have had, cept I forgot the relish tray... and no green beans. Other than that, it was perfect. My turkey was tasty (a tiny bit overcooked by not very noticeable).. I made some really good gravy (tho none of them would eat the giblet gravy!) I thought the 14 pound turkey was tiny, they thought it was HUGE. We played Rock Band till around 10pm.

Two of them came back to visit today (and play more Rock Band)... and one said it was the best Thanksgiving he'd ever had.... And I thought it was the best I'd had in a few years.. also thought how sad it must be if he's never had the type of thanksgivings I had when Mom was alive.

Anywho.. it was a nice day, I managed to keep the apartment cleaned up as I cooked. No big messy to clean up afterward. Mom would have been exceedingly proud. In fact, I'm pretty sure I heard her say she was when I looked around the kitchen / living room after everyone left. At least.. in my head I heard it.

Hope you all had a nice day.... full of happiness and warmth.

I'm not going home for Thanksgiving this year. I was doing surprisingly well till a few days ago. I was on the fence about cooking... and decided I should or I'd feel more depressed. For the last 2 nights, I've left work.. shopped for thanksgiving dinner, walked in the door and started to prepare everything till I was so tired I had to sleep. On Tuesday night I baked 2 pies.. tonight I baked 2 more..  I made cranberry sauce..  almost started to cry because I almost couldn't find butternut squash..  I made real mashed potatoes (sorta proud of those.. I always would make instant and doctored em up.. somehow fooling my brothers each year)... gonna make sweet potato casserole and not use canned yams this year.... I didnt have enough baking dishes for green bean casserole so I made a cucumber salad instead making up my own dressing (it's really quite tasty). I... have a huge dinner for tomorrow (today I suppose) and no one's coming to dinner... wtf is up for that? I feel compelled to bake.. cook... prepare... for.... ? I'm not sure what for. It's starting to bother me. It's not like Field of Dreams... "Bake It And They Will Come"... I'm worried I'll just crash out tomorrow.. and i really don't wanna do that.

Anywho.. Happy Thanksgiving to you all. Hope you're with someone you love

Wed. I woke up with a small tickle in my throat, but I attributed it to the change in weather (gone from 40 degree highs to 70 degrees) and my having to be @ work @ 7am instead of 9am 2 days in a row. Wed also happened to be our free Flu shot @ work. I ignored the tickle and had my shot about 10am. By 1pm my tickle developed a cough... and my chest was hurting. When I left work at 6:30pm, I dropped by the drug store, and decided to buy a buttload of cold/flu medicine.... mucinex, theraflu, benedril, zinc, cough drops, alleve, coricidin AND a thermometer... $50 bucks worth of cold/flu medicine. wtf. By the time I got home I was running a temp of 101.8... 10 min. later it spiked at 102.9. Been sucking down medicine every few hours since. Still can't seem to beat it. I get it down to 98.9.. and 3 hours late its at 100.2.. so on and so forth. My voice is gone.. my tickle is not a low burn. My cough is producing brownish/greyish nastiness every so often. My nose isn't very stuffy but it burns. Yesterday I slept... till 9pm.. yes.. 9pm. I did wake up for 20 min. a few times, only to pass back out, sprawled in my bed. Missed the last 2 days of work.. hoping I can get back on Monday.

In short... being sick sucks.

Hope you all have a nice weekend.

I used to have this conversation with my mom.. what's the difference between soup and stew? I'm making .. soup... I have tomatoes, celery, onions, carrots, beef, green beans, peas, potatoes.  Well, I call it soup. Mom said that was stew because of the potatoes. (I guess because the potatoes can thicken it)

It's funny the things you remember when you cook. I remember when I was around 7, and we were discussing this, and I got out my Little Bear book (that was WAY older than I but my favorite book of the time).. and it had a story in it about Little Bear's Birthday Soup. To back up my belief I listed all the ingredients in that "soup".. which were: Carrots, Potatoes, Peas & Tomatoes. If it's written in a book, it must be true, right? I was pretty darn proud of myself. Shortly after that, Mom said I could debate a rock... and win.

Anywho.. I'm making some early birthday soup tonight.. complete with all the above and more. Don't think Little Bear had Merlot for his soup.. or beef. .. DARNIT .. I forgot the lima beans.. bleah. Ah well.

The soup is inspired by the recent cool weather. It's getting chilly in IL. Makes me worry about the upcoming winter. Guess I should start coat shoppin!

I hope you all are warm and safe...

I know it's expected I'd be home sick...  but this caught me by surprise. A friend of mine IM'd me just a few minutes ago. He was bored and was just making small talk, made me feel better about a situation I'm having with a mutual friend of ours. I come to find out he's out to dinner with his mom and dad and some of their friends. It hit me like a brick in the head. I told him how nice that must be and how I was jealous... and I was being honest.. I started to cry a bit. 'Cause I couldn't remember the last time I had a meal with my mom and dad both.. I have flashes of memories at campfires, or at a thanksgiving meal. But to just sit down, with your parents, and have a full meal... talking to each other. How freaking nice must that be? And how many people take it for granted? Way too many would be my guess.

I envy you all, who are able to sit down and share time with loved ones. I truly do.

I Love My Brother

warning.. gross pics... and confusing storyline to follow.

No.. that's not a golden, upside down shroom.. it's what's left of a bullet removed from my brothers arm, complete with left over meat and bone stuck in it. While I was in California, my brother had an accident. He was unlocking his gun from it's gun lock in his car (patrol car) and the cable caught on the wire and discharged into his left hand. He's left handed. It traveled thru his palm, wrist, and lodged about half way up his forearm. He's lost the feeling in 3 of his fingers... however periodically they burn with pain, spasm etc...  They grafted in a synthetic nerve in his carpal tunnel I believe.. has got a few pins in the bones, some pins are holding in ligaments or something of that nature.

He's recovering best he can. It happened August 24th, last week he was told he's allowed to move finger tips. They're expecting he'll get feeling back once the nerves have a chance to regenerate. He's out of work for 8 - 10 or more months tho. Workers Comp tho, since it was work related.

Before I continue, let me create a key... Brother 1 = Oldest Brother  Brother 2 = Middle Brother & Brother 3 Brother closest to my age and the one who was injured.

I've always been closest to Brother 3, but we still rarely talked. Oddly enough this seemed to help us become a little closer. I didn't fly home early from the trip when I heard of his accident. He didn't want me to, there was nothing I could do and I had no money to change plans. When I did get home, I went straight from the airport to his house to see him. Oddly enough, he was planning on moving into his new house the same weekend I was moving up to Illinois. He obviously couldn't pack on his own, so the first 3 days I was home, I spent at his rental house, helping him pack his clothing, clean, etc. He didn't have a LOT to move, since his rental was furnished, but he'd used the basement for storage, took us about 10 hours to clean it properly. I was exhausted. But, I helped. I was over there from 8am - 7pm. Brother 1 came over once for about 30 minutes, oh and  for 2 hours to scrape the vinyl tiles from the bathroom. 2 hours. ... that's it.  Brother 2 did help on a few days, helping fix the bathroom floor, but he owes him help anyway. So Brother 3 was very appreciative of my help.. was weird. He kept thanking me. Had to keep telling him to stop, he's family, that's what we do. And he'd tell me he loved me when I called to check on him before I came over and when I went home. Was the strangest thing. Just remembering it makes me cry, a good type of cry tho.

When I told him about my move about 3 months ago, he offered to take time off to help me move. Brother 1 made several lame excuses when I asked for his help (after which my Sister in law gave him the riot act, so he ended up offering to help me.. good thing in the end since Brother 3 couldn't help anyway). Even Brother 2 offered to take off work to help. Brother 3 is the only one who's said he's proud of me... he said out of the 4 of us siblings, I was the only one brave enough to make such a big change. I literally couldn't speak after that.

Anywho... Brother 3 is recovering slowly, he's in his beautiful new home, right next door to my home in North Carolina. My mom would have been very proud of him, also I'm sure she be over at his home taking care of him. And I know I feel a tiny bit of guilt knowing I'm not able to do that for her. But I know mom would be proud of what I'm doing and understand.

I get to go home sometime in October. My boss wants to go home before it gets too cold to travel. So me, her and another co-worker who made the move up to IL from NC are going to rent a car together, and drive down to NC. Since I don't have a bed in my house and stuff, I'll be staying with my sister in law/brother 1/nephew. They JUST moved back into the home that was being rebuilt after the fire this week (and they're right next to Brother 3 too). I'm looking forward to seeing everyone, my nieces and nephew but especially looking forward to seeing Brother 3. Weird feeling that.

Did I confuse you?

Protected post below. If you can't view, and would like to, send me a message.

Meet Pharaoh

I'm taking care of a friend's cat for a few days (week or 2). His name is Pharaoh.. one of the most affectionate cat's I've ever met. I like him, but it made me realize I really don't want my own pet right now. It stresses me.. worry about them...worry about the apartment... worry about messes... worry I'll get attached to it... worry if they'll get hurt on something, etc etc. I need to be on my own for awhile...

It's funny.. in NC I took care of other people's pets.. and I'm doing it again here.. Love of animals doesn't care what state you're in.

Anywho.. the cat's lovely and its sweet and it's nice company. He wakes me up at night meowing but that'll go away once he's more used to being here I hope. He likes to sleep right beside my head. Everything else is ok.. just work and apartment. I'll update soon.