June 23, 2010

  • And In The End I’ll See You There

    Sunday the 27th is the anniversary of losing my mom

    Monday the 28th is the birthday of an online friend who is dying of cancer, he’ll be 26.

    Friday the 19th he was told he had approximately a week to live. He honestly didn’t believe he would make his birthday. I have a feeling he will. He has no family… he’s in a hospice care place, stays on the computer as much as they’ll let him. He’s so scared, it breaks my heart. While it’s sad for someone so young to die, what hurts me most is how scared he is. I told him there’s nothing to be scared of. And tried to explain how my mom has never left me, same as my dad. I’m not a super religious person, so I am just going on things I’ve personally come to believe. I hope he believes me. 

    Selfish me is sorta envious he has a chance to see my mom soon. 

    Every night for three long weeks,
    She’d roam the hallways half asleep,
    And as the footsteps fade away,
    In my mind, I could swear, I could swear, I heard her say:
    Don’t wait for me, you’ve got a lot to do, you’ve got a lot to be,
    And in the end maybe, I’ll see you there.

June 13, 2010

  • Loss

    My friend from NC, lost her 13 year old boy on Wed. He got in trouble at school, something silly minor. He never gets in trouble so it was a big deal for the family. There is also talk about kids picking on him. After arguing with his mom and being grounded, he ran outside to the garage, and left a note… then hung himself. The Boy was her only child. I am unsure how she will survive, but I just saw an email she sent a friend, and she seems to following the motions. I always admired her strength. I feel she’ll make it thru after seeing the email.

    If nothing else, let this serve as a few reminders. Love those around you , with all your heart. Also, if you have kids… or know people with kids… talk about bullies. Talk about how it can impact the people they’re picking on. Also talk about how important they are, and if they are bullied what to do. Let them know how much they mean to you.

    This all struck very closely. A few weeks ago, a kid snapped on the bus. He started punching my nephew , unprovoked. There were witnesses and video of the incident. He punched him in the face 6 times. This kid was much older and a lot bigger than my nephew, and my nephews braces shredded the inside of his mouth. I wanted to kill this kid, for hurting my lil nephew, for potentially taking away his innocence… for scaring him… for making him feel anything less than the most important and most loved child in the world. I talked to him last night, and let him know how much he’s loved and how I hope the actions of one person will never change the loving, gentle person he is.

    Please, love those around you. And make sure your friends do the same.

May 29, 2010

  •  

    Stuff…. 

     

    Three day weekend is making me happy. No plans tho, which is actually nice.

     

    My niece is involved in a poetry website,and she asked me to join so we could stay in contact (this past weekend was the 1st time I spoke to her since I moved and it’s been causing me a great deal of distress. I missed her horribly.)

    I shared one of my old posts from here as as short story. But she wanted me to write a poem (I’ve not really done that since I was 10 or so). But I saw a post I’d written years ago, about going outside in the middle of the night and dancing in the light of the moon. So I wrote about that. Cheesy but it’s a start. Not very keen on poems, I’m more of a story teller. bleah.


    The glow of the full moon; bright and gentle,

    through the branches of poplar trees far above, 
    mysterious shadows cast across damp grass.

    The soft light seemed to wrap around me,
    caressing my skin in a cool embrace,
    time frozen in space, silent and magical.

    There was but one thing I could do,
    I lifted my arms to the velvet sky
    and I danced to the music of the crickets and frogs.

     

     

    Nothing else is happening a the moment, very retrospective lately.

    Hope you’re all well. 

     

May 21, 2010

  • Retail Therapy

    None on Credit Cards, I Promise..

     

    I’ve been doing some shopping.. it started with buying replacement parts for my computer (replaced 1 bad hard drive with two 1 TB drives)

    Then……

    On a whim , I had the need to organize my desk, I bought a new monitor. It is replacing my 20″ CRT beast weighing in at 100 tons. Say hello to my new love… a 23″ LG. 

     Then I went to buy running shoes to help promote getting fit.. and walked out with some good shoes, as well as 2 pair of hooker heels and some comfy work shoes. 

    Then I went clothing shopping… well I was shopping for a red bedskirt…

    but saw some things I “needed”…..

     

    After that I decided I needed a new dress… a “goal” dress. I was looking for something specific, and my friend found this for me at Victoria’s Secret. 

    While I will never fit in it like that girl (because I like food and I have boobs and won’t pin it that tight in the back)… I think it’ll look lovely. It actually.. ALMOST fits. So, it’s an achievable goal dress. 

    Now to buy a stick on bra…  and maybe a purse or 3 and maybe a new mouse… and .. and.

    :)

     

March 28, 2010

  • icush – ilike

    Years ago, my friend gave me a back/bum massager that heats up for my computer chair for Christmas.  Those kinds that plug in and strap to your chair.  That same year my brother gave me an icush. I used the heating chair insert … but not often.. it felt funny in the desk chair and the massager tickled my butt too much. I never used the icush, as it’s big feature for me was it’s speakers. It has speakers that fold up on each side of the head, and the vibration will sync up with the audio. Figured it’d be fun for gaming/listening to music. However, my cush didn’t come with an extension from the speaker attachment to actually reach my computer, so I just kept it boxed in the corner. When I moved to IL, I was telling one of my trainee’s about it, and he happened to have a speaker extension. Finally just hooked the sucker up.

    OMG OMG OMG OMG

    I mean.. seriously. The sound part is fun, but this thing vibrates like mad. I can barely sit on it.. and if I do, I have to turn it on low… for .. obvious reasons. *cough*. On high? … well, maybe after a few drinks.

    Also, when I have the Audio Sync on.. and someone IMs me, the IM beeps.. which in turns.. zaps my ass. Good times. Who wants to retype the entire Lord of the Rings series to me in IM while I have you minimize (to ensure the beep)*cough*


March 15, 2010

  • Fast update.. nephew is ok.. I worried for no reason. All tests are negative. They think the mass is damage from the car accident he was in with my mom. Apparently it’s a cyst from trauma they didn’t find at the time? Odd but I’ll take it and not complain a single tiny peep of a bit. Not been so happy in… I honestly can’t say when. Thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you, etc etc etc.

March 12, 2010

  • I want to go back…

    I have had a lot happening lately…. well a lot happening back home. Some things I can’t talk about yet, cause I don’t want to think about them until they’re resolved. They were things I can deal with.  But today, my sister in law called me to tell me they’d gotten some tests back for my nephew. He’s been having lots of stomach pain, when he was small it was the same, blood in his stool, pains that sent him home from school. They’d taken him to Duke at one point and they said he was fine but he had a slightly enlarged spleen. My niece jumped all over that but they told her over and over it was just fine to have an enlarged spleen. So this week, back to the doctor, who said he may be having stomach migraines… treated much like a normal migraine. However, during the cat scan.. they found a mass on his spleen. It could mean nothing, but with the last few years, nothing… and I mean nothing has happened with any semblance of mercy, or fairness or anything but mind numbing pain. I’ve always tried to rationalize things…. figure out the “big why”. And yes, if there is a God.. he has mysterious ways and all that crap.

    Mom dies (nephews meme)… soon after my sister in law had a miscarriage (nephew’s would be sibling)… soon after her miscarriage, her dad dies (nephews grandpa)… soon after nephews house burns down….  there’s other small things but those are the biggies.

    I was able to almost come to turns with mom’s accident, making myself mom picked Robert over here, in some big mystical moment we sometimes hear about. Where you get to make that one choice that alters yours and someone elses life. It comforted me that there was some reason. Took me a few months to  be ok with that choice she may have made.  After that I latched myself on to Robert and he to me. He became my extension of my mom. I love him like he was my own baby. And I told myself, a child this good.. this loving…this smart must have some grand plan.

    Then he was hit with one thing after the other…. back to back to back. Loss after loss after loss. And he’s stayed, a sweet, kind, loving, smart child.

    And while I know I’m over reacting… I have to be over reacting. I just felt like I was punched hearing about a mass and all the scary things that it could mean. I was ok for awhile, refusing to believe anything bad could happen, our cup runneth over with sorrow and pain. And no God would allow any more.

    Then I thought.. I remember what’s been happening over the last few years. It’s like a family curse. I don’t think I could live without him…. even with me so far away. I see him every day in my head, I feel him giving me loves and butterfly kisses. My mom picked him… so he just can’t be ill, right? It’s some mass of blood vessels.. nothing more. At most he’ll have minor surgery to remove part of it, and he’ll be ok.

    Is this what having a child feels like? The very idea of them having a chance of being seriously hurt makes you die a bit inside? If so, I have no idea how you real parents do it… I really don’t.

    I used to think, I’d give anything to go back and be 4 again… have both parents, my brothers and just be happy and a child again.  Now.. I just wanna go back to when my nephew was 5 or so, my nieces were 3 and 6ish. My mom and I would babysit them all the time. I want that back.. then I want it frozen in a … snow globe maybe. Guess that’s why I’ve loved snow globes so much… freezing a perfect moment forever.

March 10, 2010

  • Ouch

    I think I broke or dislocated my pinky toe… jammed it into the heel of a shoe sitting by the door. Funny, when I came in from work, I was careful to put my shoes in a place where I’d not trip or hurt myself on them, but the ones I wore yesterday were still in the middle of the hall to the door. :(

    I wasn’t able to bend it at first and it hurt horribly even when I didn’t try to bend, so I grabbed the foot with one hand and the toe with the other and pulled opposite directions, straightening it and twisting it a bit.. it had already swollen a good bit and I didn’t hear any big cracks like I did when I reset my elbow but now I can waggle it a bit? It’s just twice as big as my other toe.. and cold… but the sock seems to help some.

    Any toe experts around that read my blog? Any 4 of you?

February 24, 2010

  • Hi Again

     

    Classic facebook angle. But had my hair cut some in this.. can’t see it tho.. but I have layers! Never had layers.. this was done mid January or so. Next up..

    My hairstylist friend got me hooked on professional product. 1st it was Catwalk Oatmeal Honey… now it’s Bed Head – Control Freak. I officially smell like a pina colada. go me.

    Happy mid week all.

February 14, 2010


  • No Valentine’s Blues

    I had been dreading today for a few weeks. And while today is a tiny bit dreary, I’m not really that sad. (I don’t think). I miss my family, I miss giving my nephew and nieces valentine’s and hugs. But I’m doing ok with not having seen them since Oct.

    I am working very hard to get out of my shell up here. I still tend to want to stay home rather than go out. But I’ve made some good friends. I’ve a coworker (he’s gay) who I really do love. He’s sorta adopted me and makes sure to include me in stuff. Through him, I’ve made several other new friends (all gay). We have great fun when we’re together. They’re nice and safe.

    I think I enjoy them being friends as I know they’re not judging me. I have issues with straight guys. (please note I said I have issues, not the straight guys) I feel that they look at females visually… and rank them. And I know I always get a low ranking there. It’s like being the last one picked for team events. I have no clue why I let that ranking system influence me so greatly, I know it’s dumb. I know that’s probably not a fair assumption to make, not to me or the guys. I just can’t help it. I’m working on it tho, I really am.

    My goal is to be around guys, and just be.. me. Not feel like they’re thinking I’d be prettier if I lost weight.. or whatever. To be able to be funny and interesting. Not asking for much, I don’t think.

    So I guess, my last post was wrong. I do have a resolution. It’s to accept me… and not care what others think of that me.

    Happy Valentine’s Day to all. I hope you find time to love yourself today… and every day.