I Have a Dream... Talking To Flowers....

I was reading Fleener's blog about loving and lost, having lived your dream even tho it didn't last etc. And it reminded me of something I've been thinking about. If I ever run into any sizeable amount of money, I want to open a flower shop with a nice (but small) cafe/bakery attached.

I don't have a green thumb, and I haven't thought about it much until the last few months. But there's a beautiful florist shop on my way to work (except it's 4 minutes from my house rather than 20 where my work currently is).  It's really a very very large green house, with an attached building. I was thinking how nice it'd be to turn the attached building into a cafe, serving cappuccino, espresso, teas and a few very special and yummy baked goods, maybe some nummy sammiches... classical music playing softly in the background and the smell of the connected florist shop, full of potted plants, freshly cut roses and flowers of every kind. I'd build a small patio that had a delicate cast iron fence around it, covered with Clematis or Wisteria. I'd have my friend who designs iron work build the fence (he's been in New Orleans a lot helping rebuild the iron work that was destroyed there).  I'd also have him make unique little bistro tables/chairs that had a local flair without being "country".  I'd cater to retirees that flood this area year round, but I'd be affordable for our local folk who struggle to make ends meat. The flowers would come from the huge green house less than a mile down the road that used to own the shop originally. They specialized in roses. They cut them fresh daily.  The shop has been closed for about a year, and it always made me sad, as it's a place my mom and I would whenever we need flowers. I bought mom stuff from there as surprises all the time. A few years after my dad died, I remembered her anniversary, and bought her roses there, one for every year she'd been married to my dad, and 2 white roses to represent her and my dad. It was something my dad did for her every year, and something mom continued to do for my dad with silk flowers at the cemetery after he died. The place was special.

The entrance of the greenhouse is capped with a VERY large copper oval dome. I remember my mom and I watching them as they put it up and thinking how fancy our little local flower shop had gotten. It originally a cinder block building (the attached building) with a huge walk in fridge out the back door. They built the glass house on to it maybe 15 - 20 years ago then brought in the pretty copper accents. I loved going in there and just walking around. It's not a HUGE building but just the right size for what I see in my head. It's not near anything major really, it's actually surrounded on 3 sides by nothing fields. But I think it'd get a lot of business. I think it would be unique and special enough to get people to drive the extra 5 minutes. I was even thinking we could make specialty cakes. Provide the "Congrats!" cake to go with the flowers... of the Wedding cake and coordinating flowers... the cookies to go with the Valentine's flowers. 

I'd hire my family to work there with me. My nephew will be 16 in just about 6 years, he could deliver for me, and if my oldest niece straightened out, she could work in the cafe with her mom. I'd make the special carrott cake that I stole from Tom's site too, it'd be our speciality. (one of many of his wonderous creations) I'd work with the flowers I think. My mom loved flowers. They were her best friend the last few years of her life, as I became more of a hermit. She talked to them and they'd come back from the dead. She'd buy the flowers Wal-Mart was about to throw out at $1 a flat.. and bring them all back to life in just a few weeks. I loved hearing her talk to the flowers. I'd sneak to the door or window near where she was planting.. and just smile at her thinking how sweet she was.

I'm not sure what I'd name our store. But it'd have her name in it.. Mary's Pansies and Pastries maybe. Pansies were her favorite. I'd get them for her as surprises and line her easter basket with them each year, instead of candy since she was diabetic. And I'd take the silhouette I have of her (she had it made when she was 14 or so , in school) and I'd use that with a little pansy bloom curled around her cheek. That'd be our logo. I can see it in my head so clearly. And maybe... after a few years, I could learn to talk to the flowers too. 

Strength of a Child...

Robert is my nephew.. he's 11 going on 30. I love him more than anything in this world. While he has a temper (like his aunt) he's an amazing child and has more strength than any child should have to have.

Let me give you a brief run down of the last 3 years.

In June of 2006, my mom and I made sudden decision to go to Arkansas so we could visit my grandma (her mom and last living parent). We took my nephew with us because my mom really wanted to take one of her grandkids so they could spend time with their great grandma. My nieces mom wouldn't let them come, so Robert gets to go with us. It was a great trip, we had fun and Robert was a joy... My grandmothers face would light up every time she saw him. She wasn't sure who he was but she saw a child and she was so happy, she loved children so much.. and when she looked at mom, she glowed. It was .. the most joyful smile I've ever seen in my entire life. She'd grab her arm and smile and say "that's my baby"... and it was like she'd immediately clear up, knowing she was looking at her daughter, and knowing it'd been a long time since we'd been there. She didn't recognize me so much.. but she was happy to see me too. Two days after we got home, my grandma died.  No warning, she'd just been taken to the hospital for a bladder infection... they were sending her home, my uncle went to sign papers and came back and she died. I believe she was waiting for my mom... and finally was able to rest.

Fast forward 1 year and a few days. My nephew was at summer camp, and was feeling sick, so my sister in law calls my Mom to go pick him up and take him to Urgent Care.. on the way home, about 50 yards from my nephews house (100 yards from my house) my mom crashes into the ditch, flips her truck, is thrown under it as it landed on top of her. Robert had to crawl over her pinned body to get out.. my Mom died. Robert was fine, except for scratches and sadness. He didn't cry at all.

Fast forward about 8 months, we find out my sister in law is pregnant. We're all ecstatic, as we feel this will some how reconnect us with Mom.. as she surely has been with this little soul in heaven or wherever our souls rest before coming to earth. Robert was so happy, as he always wanted a little brother or sister. And he was sure my mom was a part of this new baby. He decided that if it was a girl, we should name her Mary, after my mom. 2 months later, she has a miscarriage. Robert didn't cry.. he was sad, but understood things happen for a reason. And that the baby may have been very sick had it come to term.

Fast forward about 3 months or so. My sister in laws dad (Roberts grandad) had been dealing with heart/blood pressure issues for the last few years, and the past year it was getting worse and worse. He was taken to the ER and just hours later he died. Robert didn't either.. he was sad but he was glad his pa pah could be with his meme & the baby that was never born in heaven and not be hurting anymore.

Fast forward .. to yesterday. Robert's house burned down. The dryer caught fire and in around 3 minutes it'd taken over the laundry room and spread into the living room/foyer/kitchen. Everyone was ok, the animals got out safely (except the fish). They got the fire under control fast.. but they have to completely cut the house. Everything is covered in smoke.. he only got out with the clothes on his back, his teddy bear and his violin. Some of the furniture will be able to be saved.. some of the pictures, but many of the special things he's made over the years, stuff my mom gave him that was displayed on the entertainment center, his prized play station 2, his laptop which he just started playing WoW with me on (he's been begging for years and his parents finally let him a few days ago).. all gone. He didn't cry once. He was just glad that his cat was ok (we thought he was lost in the cold but found him this morning). And he enjoyed going swimming in the pool at the hotel they Red Cross put them up in last night/tonight.

I find myself thinking about Robert... and what an amazing child he is. I still cry at least once a week, if not once a day about Mom.. and how rough my life is now. I feel sorry for myself often, wishing I could just go away.. give up.. be somewhere else. Then I think, if Robert can be so strong, why can't I? He's lost so much, for such a small child. He keeps me going.. he's an inspiration. And he helps me keep things in perspective. When I grow up, I want to be more like him.

I Want My Funny Back.

I used to be funny all the time (at least to me & that's all that really mattered in the end)... now it's so rare. I still make people laugh at work, make whitty comments (had a pretty good  moment on vent tonight while we were raiding and yes that's geek talk for "Tabatha was nerd-core on vent tonight").. but it's harder to do now... it's not as natural. I used to laugh ALL THE TIME, now it's scattered. I lost my funny way before mom died, I think.. I may have even blogged about it before (too lazy to go check but I know it's something I've thought about in the past). I've come to the realization that a shitty world is much easier to deal with if you're funny and able to laugh at it.

I miss the old me... and my old life. I wonder how it all changed so fast... I wonder when I became old inside, what prompted the change and if it's reversable.

So... if you see my Funny walking around, kindly tell it I'm looking for it and would like it to contact me ASAP.

Thanks.

My Scariest Dream.. (s).

I've had so many scary dreams, and in all honesty, nothing I've ever dreamt has been more scary as watching my mom  die. But this is a contest about dreams, not reality. It's hard to remember the scariest dream. I've had some cool ones about monsters, roller coaster of death..and many more... the one that effected me the most I supposed was one I had after having surgery (a week on morphine to be cut off when I went home, aka whithdrawls). I was on other pain mediaction but it didn't have the same punch as the morphine I suppose.

I remember......  I was in a house with my Mom and my brother Jeff... we were unloading groceries from the attatched garage. It was a fancy but rugged cabin style home, I believe we must have just arrived for some sort of vacation. As I was putting groceries away in the kitchen (looking over the living area and mudroom where the garage enterance was) I heard a commotion. I looked over and saw Jeff and Mom fall back into the mudroom. Mom looked so scared.... and Jeff was surprised and angry looking. He's a big guy, and not used to being pushed around. In comes a man, whose face I can't see, I believe he wore a hooded sweatshirt and the hood was pulled up obscuring his face and he's pointing a shotgun at my family. He points the gun at Jeff and mom either yells at him no.. or moves in front of Jeff, I can't remember it so clearly now.. but somehow she's shot in the chest.... falls lifelessly to the ground.. I remember the pain of seeing this happen and how it couldn't be real and being so angry I wanted to kill this man myself but all the while, scared he'd kill me as well.. Jeff jumps on the man.. and they fight for the shotgun. Furniture is knocked over, glasses broken.. I'm holding my mom, hoping she'd wake up but knowing she'd not.  The two men fighting for the gun crash into us, one shot goes off and I could tell my brother had been badly injured, he's bleeding from his nose, his mouth, he's fast losing color... and he had this look, like he knew he was dead, just like my mom was dead beneath us. He had somehow got pushed against me,  against the floor.. my mom half in my lap.. and the hooded man on his back..reaching for a knife. The shotgun had landed beside me and I had picked it up, I was trying to aim at the man but Jeff was between me and him. Jeff looked into my eyes and whispered "pull the trigger.. hurry" the gun was pressed tight against his chest.. he wanted me to shoot the man behind him by shooting him through his chest.. he used a free hand to hold the barrel of the gun firmly on his chest, again saying "you have to do it .. it'll be too late soon" I remember crying so hard, I couldn't breath.. sobbing over and over and over again "no no no no no .. no I can't do it .. please.. no" I could feel his blood running down over my lap. I saw a flicker of a blade behind my brother, I horsly whisper "I'm sorry" and close my eyes.. I feel my self pull the trigger... it resisting.. and as I heard  the blast ... I woke up.  My mom told me it took her 10 minutes to wake me up from the dream.. I was thrashing in bed, sobbing "no no no no no no" over and over again, tears wetting my pillow. I remember, as I started to wake up, how I held on to my mom, still crying, caught in that house still.. knowing I'd chose to kill my brother to save myself.  Still saying no no no no no no no, sobbing uncontrollably.

------------

I had one more scary dream, that fits more with "weird, scary, crazy dreams" and less like a cut scene from some leather face type movie... it's more of impressions I jotted down just after waking up, I blogged it several years ago when I was trying to understand my dreams more..

A rain storm.. driving hard.. 2 people in the car with me.. water flying vertical.... cars  hydroplaning. I am going to go to the store.. nearest population .. can't see... blinding rains.. people fleeing a different direction.. warning.. to head the opposite direction... ok.. now I head to my mom's.. this must be bad.. people herded into a maze.. a large building,  a dark roller coaster..  where the road was...remembrances of a book or game dreamed before.. bad..  evil.. won't live... 2 friends.. counting on me.. must reach mom.. standing on a wheeled board, like a skateboard.. but with 2 others riding with me... waiting for video game music...hearing death screams as someone ahead falls off. Small machines, like vacuums.. monitoring for any cheaters.. cleaning the ground below like bottom feeders.. cheaters of death.. the earth shakes..  we fall off.. near the ground..  desperately try to climb back up off the ground.. a friendly warning telling us this is not allowed off the play area.. 20 secs till expulsion.. 10...  climbing ... swinging from bar to bar.. my friends following me.. vacuumed leaves. We are near the edge of the building.. can see light through a partially open door.. salvation.. MUST reach the door.. we run towards it.. blocked by a friendly warning.. this time a woman.. looks like some model I have seen..  her eyes don't move when she talks.. someone tries to slip by her.. a boy.. a kid.. he has been off the play area longest.. escaping detection..  she grabs him by his shoulders.. lifts him to eye level.. spews liquid fire .. liquid death.. he melts... we run.. climbing again.. faster.. higher.. I see others inside.. running the maze, knowing it's worse inside..  blood running the tunnels..   I hear screams inside.. cries of help from forms I can not see, maybe just a tape.. a game.. I climb.. to the very top.. king of the mountain is always safe.. eyes peeking over the edge.. a mechanical crocodile.. almost cute.. but will he warn me at all or just snap me in two... hug the wall.. and shimmy down... waiting for  a warning or liquid death.... dream jumps to 3 months later..out of the death coaster.. I don't know where my friends are.. my mom is somewhere safe.. there is a man in the room with me.. I do not like him.. but I smile back.. must be polite.. scary man.. a brick near by.. thinking *if he turns around.. must be fast... * hands inch towards the brick.. he turns....

Post-2008 Post

So much to do , so little time.

No Cheesey New Year Resolutions, since I know nothing becomes of them. I do like cheese tho, so maybe I will make it a point to eat more cheese this year.

I've decided (not resolved) to do many things this year. I want to fix my house the way it should be.. become healthier... and find real love. Dunno if that means I'll be married but dammit, I'll find someone who loves me as much as I love them or die trying. No more of this alone crap, I'm sick of it.

Also I want a dog of my own. I'd keep Abbey if I could, but when my brother's home is finished she'll go live with him. So I'll be getting a Great Dane of my own... hmm what else. I will be happy with my career (be it working or as a house wife) and I will not cry every day.

Hmmm.. and dammit, I'm getting a new dishwasher this year. Or I'll pop a vein. I HATE doing dishes by hand.. HATE HATE HATE.

I don't think that's too much to shoot for in year, do you?

Hope you all had a magical New Year celebration that sets the tone for the rest of the year.

Merry Christmas Mom and Dad,

I love you.

It's been many years since I saw you last Dad, but I've felt you around here often. Thank you for looking after Mom and I and the boys for so long. I've been thinking about you more lately, than I have in recent years. Mom, you're constantly on my mind.  I was thinking about you both the other night, on my way home from work. I stopped in the road in front of our house, and just looked at it. I closed my eyes and remembered.. I remembered lots of things, Christmas mornings and the messes we made. Mom making sure we got some Stolen. I never started to put butter on it until a few years ago, but after years of watching Mom slab it on, I think the habit caught on.  I was remembering the last 5 or 6 years of Christmas with Mom and me, once I'd "grown up". I miss staying up late to put stuff in your stocking as surprise. I haven't put up the little tree in the Kitchen yet, I wasn't going to this year actually. But after having written this much, I think I'll go grab it out of the closet and put it up for you... for you both.

Money was tight this year, but I made sure the boys each got something. Jeff got some shirts and socks. I got Web a pretty mosaic candle holder, for his new home, it looks like a hurricane lamp sorta. Allan didn't get as much. I gave him this cool thing I got at the company Christmas party. It's a steel looking briefcase, says HBO / Entourage on it .. it has a putter inside you put together, some golf balls and a wooden lil thingie to putt the ball into. I'll give him and Cyndi a giftcard after payday tho.  I got all 3 of them a pewter ornament. It's of a teardrop, with a rose in it. There's a lil tag hooked on to it that says Mom. In the box there's a card that explains the tear drop/rose as a memorial to lost loved ones. I dunno if you'd have picked something as mushy as that, mom, but you'd have thought the ornament was pretty I think.

Jeff was broke again, so I took care of most of the girl's gifts. He's living here again, by the way, so the girls are here for Christmas this year, you'd have loved it. He got Morgie a 22/shotgun combo. I think she was jealous of Madison having the 22 and wanted her own gun. He's gonna take them hunting on Saturday. We also got her a mp3 player to replace the one that she put in the washer. I found some webkins for both of them and a Wii game. I got Mad a CD of a band called Dragon Force. (I keep think it's a video game but she tells me it's heavy metal.. sounds more like angry renaissance fair music to me!) You know how she is with anything dragon-like. She told me tonight, when she gets married, she wants to have a dragon wedding.. not sure how that'd go down, but it'd be original! Lets see..  we went to a book sale, and bought both the girls a lot of books. They'll be happy. Maddie said all she wanted was a Dragon Force CD and books, so I know she'll be pleased. I got Robert some games for his PSP he got a few months ago.

I'll take a picture of the Christmas tree for you later. I think you'd like it.. I found the skinniest Charlie Brown Christmas Tree I could. Got a good deal on it too. I need to buy new lights for it tho. The ones I have are dim. I'm also missing a box of ornaments, I think they're in your closet but Jeff's stuff is in there so I decided not to dig.

I made sure the girls had extra nice stockings. Went to World Trade market and they had all these stocking stuffers at half off. I got some old fashioned wooden tops... some make your own bracelet kits... those lil dancing wooden santa/snow man things that dance when you press the button under them (so they sorta collapse but pop right back up) ohh and I got Maddie this santa pen, it has levers on the back, so when you press them , santa sorta boxes.. but the funny part was.. his eyes glow bright red.. MOST EVIL SANTA EVER. And I bet you she picks up on that and laughs about it.. I'll let you know if she does.

Went to the bakery too, bought the stolen you like and some rumballs.. they were actually good this year, not as good as the ones I make , but like the ones we used to buy from them before they screwed up the recipe. Also got a lot of fruit bars and key lime cookies for you. It's funny, I still buy keylimes and a lot and only a few of them get eaten now.

We cooked a real Christmas (Eve) dinner tonight.. first one we've had in the house in years. I bought a ham, and we had asparagus, potatoes and squash. Simple but very good. Ohhh had some baked apples too, you know how I don't like ham without apples.

Oh.. I got Abby and Bailey some doggie treats and toys, and a huge (2 ft long) doggie toy.. it's a long wiener dog, cloth.. they play tug of war.. so funny to see a great dane and shitzu do that with each other.

Anyway, it's late.. I need to shower and put up the little tree,  but wanted to tell you both how much I miss you and how much I love you. I know you'll be with me tomorrow morning when the kids open the presents.. but it felt good to write you this anyway.

Merry Christmas to you.. and thank you for all the beautiful past Christmas memories I have today.

Love, Tah.

Just a blog... nothing big.

Emo still, but here.....

It's been awhile since I posted anything of substance. Not sure I'm doing that tonight either.

I fluctuate between being depressed, sad, indifferent and an entire gambit of other emotions. I felt content briefly... even happy... for a few days back in October, when I went to Blizzcon. Mostly because I spent time with someone I cared about.  I really do love him, but I don't think it's returned. I think he's affectionate towards me.. well I know he is. He says all the cute things guys say to girls that they "care" about. And we talk every night (not sure if it's more my doing or his, but I do know he misses me when we're not able to talk) I just don't think there's any commitment there.. no future on his side of things. Anywho, while I was with him, it was great. We laughed for 5 days straight. I'd not laughed like that since well before my mom died. And I didn't cry over mom once. (normally I don't make it 5 days without crying, still) I did cry when I thought about leaving tho. It was so nice to have a hand to hold, someone to hug, and snuggle with while sleeping. All of you out there who do have someone who loves you, you're so very lucky. It's sad, because you have no idea how lucky you are.  I think that's what's wrong with relationships now. People don't know what a blessing it is to have someone care for you and be able to care for them back.  In my dream world, every day would be like my trip to California (with less tiredness).  Waking up to see someone sleeping beside you, someone warm, whose arms wrap around you while you sleep. To be able to rest your head on someone's chest and feel safe... to forget all the crappy and sad things out there, just for a moment. It was so nice. The downside is.. now, 2 months later, life seems much more hallow without that. Almost makes me want to be less picky, go to someone who cares for me openly, and just make do. Learn to feel the same way about them, because they feel that way for me.  Just for that hug at night... that hand to hold. With the possibility to forget all the sad things out there... a chance to be content for a little while. As I get older, it seems like my choices are thinning out. And if I wait too long, I'll have none left at all.

I think about my future. How I wanted the husband, children.. etc etc. Now it really doesn't seem like it's a possibility. Like there's no point, except to keep me from being alone. But maybe that's always been the point. Just seems sorta hallow without my mom around... no family to share that with (besides brothers, and I don't have any real relationship with them).

Work is ok... it's a bit depressing now, I'm sure that's just a phase that will pass. I do a very good job (most of the time) and that's a reward in itself. I was making a lot more money there, but started to take on special projects, which took me away from commissions. There's been no compensation for those projects yet tho. I keep hoping my patience will be reward. I love the people I work with... and if I could focus on projects, but make close to what I was making before, I'd be completely content. But I'm worried it won't work out that way, and I'll eventually have to look elsewhere. Which stinks, as I work with a great group of people, and I'm really good at what I do.

My brother moved back in with me. He moved in just after Mom died last year, but moved out awhile ago. He broke up with his girlfriend, and needed a place. It was actually nice to have him here, but money's getting tighter and he's not helping with any bills (he has no money, child support sucks up most of his paycheck). And his luck is worse than mine in regards to unexpected expenses.

Not sure if I mentioned before, but I've been taking care of another brother's dog. She feels like my own, as I've had her with me since the day he got her. She's a great dane named Abby. I love her so much. She's absolutely beautiful. Then then the brother that moved back in with me,  he brought his yappy dog, Bailey. They're the funniest thing to watch play. They're best friends.

I've made some friends at work. They're much more... social... than I am tho. Enjoy going out and such. We've gone out a few times, I even went to a bar a couple of times (there's a first time for everything). Discovered I can drink a corona in under 6 seconds (tastes like piss tho, dunno how you people drink it). It's just not my thing. They went down to Greenville, SC last week. One of them booked a hotel at the Hilton which is beside some big strip club.. she told the person at the desk she was a stripper platinum plus card holder or something, and got 50% off her room (she's the most awesome person in the world).  She took 10 gallons of booze of all types and 3 of em had a grand old time. I love hearing stories like that, I'm just too much of a home body to be a part of it. When management leaves for the day, we have so much fun at work. I'd hate to leave that environment!

Lesse.. wanna make sure I covered all the important things... work - emoness - work again. Oh.. WoW. Still play it.. still addicted (thus the Blizzcon trip). It's a great game. My friend did a great job on the music/sounds. I'm so proud of him. He was in Berlin for the newest expansion release. I envy him more than I can explain. I texted him, not realizing he was in Berlin, while I waited outside Gamespot before the midnight release. He replied to me that it was almost 6am in Berlin and they were still out drinking. Would love to have that life!

That's it for now, need to read my guyfriends paper on the Anti-Counterfeit Trade Agreement that he's turning in for his final in law school. Apparently it's meant to be understood by someone who has no idea what it's talking about --- cue me.  Then gonna take an early night.

Hope you're all having a warm holiday, filled with people you care for.

PS. I've a Plush Murlock.. it makes noises. (if you know what I'm talking about, you know how cool that is.. if you don't know, I won't try to explain.)

A Rambling & Slightly Mushy Happy Thanksgiving

Brought to you by 3 vicodin and a lot of missed sleep.....

I've some things to post, nothing major.. just updates but I'm really tired right now.  Mostly I just wanted to say hello, and to all the people who still keep checking in, or messaging me or just thinking of me. I love you guys. I really do. Thank you for being thoughtful.

I've not read up recently so I'm not sure what all of you are up to , but I'll catch up tomorrow. I really have been thinking about you all. 

I'm about to hop in bed but a few people I was thinking of specifically ... Fleener.. I'm sending you special thoughts this Thanksgiving, as I know stuff tends to be pretty bleak for you. I'm thankful we're friends (even though I went awol).. Hawkeye.. I miss ya too and luv ya bunches...  LandLubber and Wild Tiger Kitty, I often think about how lucky you guys are, I'm thankful for the hope in relationships and love that you give me.... Morgane, just <3 <3 <3, I wish I was more like you....  Tom, I think of you every time I cook something special, I am thankful for the recipes you've shared with me, I still think of the joy your carrot cake gave my mom and it makes me smile everytime I remember how much she loved it (I've some honey I need to send you but I need your address again) and I totally wish I was eating at your place tomorrow (guess it's today). Ron , I'm glad you said hello the other day. Sherri, I heart you and am so happy for you and your beautiful family. Gaz... thhhppptttttt and stuffs.

I have more but my guyfriend called, and I want to talk with him before we both passout.

Happy Thanksgiving to all... hope you have a wonderful day full of love and good foods.

Night Night.

Long Rambling Update \  Blizzcon or Bust?

It's been a long time, many times I peeked over here and thought I'd do a quick update, but always just falling short.  No idea why today's different, but it is.

I'm going to Blizzcon. My friend from Blizz invited me to come as his guest. I didn't think it'd be possibly, but on a whim, I decided it was about time I stop hiding. I took him up on the offer. I had plenty of savings, but my brother borrowed it a month ago, with the promise to pay it back within a week. Still waiting. So now, what was going to be an easy trip, is now one of those trips where you worry about every penny. I'm meeting my WoW guy friend as well.  So looking forward to that.. sorta.. but also very nervous. I've a feeling that after this is all over, we'll be awkward friends. But after finding I have more than 2 white hairs in my head, I really can't hide out any longer. We with will click or we won't, and if not, I can move on. I'm sick of being alone... and online games don't make up for an empty house. Anywho, I'm excited and scared and excited again.  I leave on Oct 9th.. arrive at LAX around 10:30am pacific time. I'm counting the minutes.

My cat died a few months ago... I heard him meowing outside one evening but a few hours later when I went to let him in he was gone. I figured he'd come in when I went to bed but I couldn't  find him. Never heard him again. He'd been losing weight, and was not eating very well, so I'm sure it was just his time. It's what I keep telling myself.

Work is going well.... my job's stressful at times, but challenging. I'm doing very well, I think, take more and more lead type roles. Some days I really dread getting up though, wanting to sink back into bed and sleep for 3 days. But I wake up, and go... and enjoy the company of most everyone there. I've been given some special projects and more responsibilities. This of course, means less pay. I figure it's a sacrifice to prove my abilities. Or perhaps I'm just a patsy. Work's a bit precarious, as my cable company is selling their system where I live to one of our investors. However, we were told our call center would remain as part of the original company. It's rare, if not unheard of , for this to happen. I'm a very loyal person, and if the new company tried to hire me, I doubt I'd go. (unless they offered me a LOT  LOT   LOT more money).  I have mixed feelings, as I can't imagine my company keeping this center open indefinitely. We're a specialized department. And we benefit the company a lot. However, we have no surrounding cable system to pay for us. So we have to continue to shine above all others or risk losing it all.  The new company is new to cable, and would have advantages over a large cable company, in that it's small. Less red tape... and the possibility to move up very fast. But I really do appreciate the job I've  been given, and the management is filled with great people (one of which totally made it possible for me to have time off to make this future trip). I don't think I could ever just leave em, I really don't think I could.

 Speaking of which, several of my friends from work have made a habit of going out once or twice a month. I actually went to a bar, not sure how much fun I had there, the environment isn't for me. I hate crowds. But it's funny to see my friends drunk. Also, I had my first beer.  I've had a Corona on 2 of the nights, and discovered I really hate the taste of beer. However, I can drink a Corona in under  6 sec.  Too bad that's not a marketable skill. Also I discovered I really love Long Island Iced Teas.

Trying to decide if I wanna do something new with my hair. It's sooooooooo long, some days I consider cutting it but I don't think I can. So that leaves coloring. However, I love the color of my hair. So, perhaps .... a highlight? Or a streak? I was almost considering a purple streak for Blizzcon. Epic and stuff ;o)

Anywho... that's all the update I have in me right now. There's more happening but I wanna read before bed. Hope all is well for all of you, I think of a lot of you often.