December 10, 2008

• Just a blog… nothing big. Emo still, but here….. It’s been awhile since I posted anything of substance. Not sure I’m doing that tonight either. I fluctuate between being depressed, sad, indifferent and an entire gambit of other emotions. I felt content briefly… even happy… for a few days back in October, when I went to Blizzcon. Mostly because I spent time with someone I cared about.  I really do love him, but I don’t think it’s returned. I think he’s affectionate towards me.. well I know he is. He says all the cute things guys say to girls that they “care” about. And we talk every night (not sure if it’s more my doing or his, but I do know he misses me when we’re not able to talk) I just don’t think there’s any commitment there.. no future on his side of things. Anywho, while I was with him, it was great. We laughed for 5 days straight. I’d not laughed like that since well before my mom died. And I didn’t cry over mom once. (normally I don’t make it 5 days without crying, still) I did cry when I thought about leaving tho. It was so nice to have a hand to hold, someone to hug, and snuggle with while sleeping. All of you out there who do have someone who loves you, you’re so very lucky. It’s sad, because you have no idea how lucky you are.  I think that’s what’s wrong with relationships now. People don’t know what a blessing it is to have someone care for you and be able to care for them back.  In my dream world, every day would be like my trip to California (with less tiredness).  Waking up to see someone sleeping beside you, someone warm, whose arms wrap around you while you sleep. To be able to rest your head on someone’s chest and feel safe… to forget all the crappy and sad things out there, just for a moment. It was so nice. The downside is.. now, 2 months later, life seems much more hallow without that. Almost makes me want to be less picky, go to someone who cares for me openly, and just make do. Learn to feel the same way about them, because they feel that way for me.  Just for that hug at night… that hand to hold. With the possibility to forget all the sad things out there… a chance to be content for a little while. As I get older, it seems like my choices are thinning out. And if I wait too long, I’ll have none left at all. I think about my future. How I wanted the husband, children.. etc etc. Now it really doesn’t seem like it’s a possibility. Like there’s no point, except to keep me from being alone. But maybe that’s always been the point. Just seems sorta hallow without my mom around… no family to share that with (besides brothers, and I don’t have any real relationship with them). Work is ok… it’s a bit depressing now, I’m sure that’s just a phase that will pass. I do a very good job (most of the time) and that’s a reward in itself. I was making a lot more money there, but started to take on special projects, which took me away from commissions. There’s been no compensation for those projects yet tho. I keep hoping my patience will be reward. I love the people I work with… and if I could focus on projects, but make close to what I was making before, I’d be completely content. But I’m worried it won’t work out that way, and I’ll eventually have to look elsewhere. Which stinks, as I work with a great group of people, and I’m really good at what I do. My brother moved back in with me. He moved in just after Mom died last year, but moved out awhile ago. He broke up with his girlfriend, and needed a place. It was actually nice to have him here, but money’s getting tighter and he’s not helping with any bills (he has no money, child support sucks up most of his paycheck). And his luck is worse than mine in regards to unexpected expenses. Not sure if I mentioned before, but I’ve been taking care of another brother’s dog. She feels like my own, as I’ve had her with me since the day he got her. She’s a great dane named Abby. I love her so much. She’s absolutely beautiful. Then then the brother that moved back in with me,  he brought his yappy dog, Bailey. They’re the funniest thing to watch play. They’re best friends. I’ve made some friends at work. They’re much more… social… than I am tho. Enjoy going out and such. We’ve gone out a few times, I even went to a bar a couple of times (there’s a first time for everything). Discovered I can drink a corona in under 6 seconds (tastes like piss tho, dunno how you people drink it). It’s just not my thing. They went down to Greenville, SC last week. One of them booked a hotel at the Hilton which is beside some big strip club.. she told the person at the desk she was a stripper platinum plus card holder or something, and got 50% off her room (she’s the most awesome person in the world).  She took 10 gallons of booze of all types and 3 of em had a grand old time. I love hearing stories like that, I’m just too much of a home body to be a part of it. When management leaves for the day, we have so much fun at work. I’d hate to leave that environment! Lesse.. wanna make sure I covered all the important things… work – emoness – work again. Oh.. WoW. Still play it.. still addicted (thus the Blizzcon trip). It’s a great game. My friend did a great job on the music/sounds. I’m so proud of him. He was in Berlin for the newest expansion release. I envy him more than I can explain. I texted him, not realizing he was in Berlin, while I waited outside Gamespot before the midnight release. He replied to me that it was almost 6am in Berlin and they were still out drinking. Would love to have that life! That’s it for now, need to read my guyfriends paper on the Anti-Counterfeit Trade Agreement that he’s turning in for his final in law school. Apparently it’s meant to be understood by someone who has no idea what it’s talking about — cue me.  Then gonna take an early night. Hope you’re all having a warm holiday, filled with people you care for. PS. I’ve a Plush Murlock.. it makes noises. (if you know what I’m talking about, you know how cool that is.. if you don’t know, I won’t try to explain.)

  • 12:56 am
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