May 18, 2008

• I decided I liked writing you letters, so I think I will continue…. Dear Mom, I find I remember moments every so often.  Moments of you .. and sometimes even of dad.. or our trips to Arkansas… Grandma, Grandpa. I sorta envy you all, being able to be together. I was looking through your Gmail I set up for you today at work. I can’t seem to delete anything, it just fills up with more and more junkmail. I think I was hoping for some hidden message from you amongst the tarot.com and mortgage emails. Remember the time we were going shopping with Madison when she wasn’t even 2 years old. She was sitting in the back of the car in her car seat, we were almost to the Mall and she saw one of those huge balloons that was strung to some new store.. and kept reaching for it, straining against her car seat saying “can’t reach it.. cant reach it.. toooo farrrr”. Her little fingers trying so hard to reach this balloon, so high in the air on a building over a half mile away. I think I feel like that now. I just can’t reach it.. except I don’t know what it is I’m trying to reach for. I found some pictures of you from the trip to Hawaii. Those are some of the best memories. I was so proud of you for getting in the kayak. We lived that trip, didn’t we? Like, really lived. Swam with dolphins, had whales just a few yards away, curious about our kayaks. Ordered room service without thinking of prices, walking down to see the flamingos.. or you watching me swim in the lagoon, and my being glad you were watching me, saying how pretty I swam. But ya know.. I also remember, without any pictures, our camping trips. That one where some of Dad’s work friends all got together. Dad and you were so happy… we stayed up late, made camp stew and toasted marshmallows by the fire. Or remember when Dad would scratch on the camper pretending to be a bear? We lived then too. We lived a dream that many people can’t even imagine. We were all so happy, even without money… just being together. I had no idea we were poor then.. we just seemed so wealthy.. I remember you talking to Grey Cat.. seemed like he was better company than me the last few years. It made me happy to think of you caring for him, not sure why. Maybe because I loved him so much. He loved you, almost as much as he loved me. Remember how you’d tell me to sing to him when he was at the back of the house, to try to get him to come climb up into my lap? I think his favorite song was Amazing Grace, however he’s still very fond of Think of Me. I think you’d be proud of me, I’ve paid all my bills, and have a lot of money in the bank, paid off my credit card and paid a month ahead on my college loans.. and I’m loaning Web $700/$800. It’s weird, a year ago, we were borrowing money from him to pay the bills, it feels good to be able to have it reversed after he did so much for us. It’s weird, I still don’t see my money as MY money.. so many years of us sharing everything we had, my always saying my money was your money, it still feels like your money. So I think it’s like you giving back to Web, which I know you’d always wanted to do. Anywho… I need to get to bed, it’s been a busy week. I love you Mom.

  • 2:10 am
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