August 3, 2009
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Throwing Out Memories… Making room for new ones.
I’ve never lived anywhere but this house. I spent 1 year away at college, in a dorm room, but I came home every other weekend almost. I have 33 years of memories packed into this room. Some are good, some are heart breaking. I’m tossing so many things. But I find those things are still with me.
I found something I wrote, I believe about 4 years ago. When I was feeling particularly sorry for myself. I realized tonight, I’m not in that place. (even tho I still not in a “happy” place, not sure I’ll ever be “happy” like everyone else, but I am “ok”)
It’s interesting to go back and read these free flow thoughts from a time when I wasn’t sure I’d make it another month. I can see how far I’ve come and how proud my mom must really be.
I’m not poetic. Never have been one to “write”. I’ve 1 other piece of writing that was just completely and utterly me at that moment in time that I posted on this blog, about Monsters in my Closet. But this.. this is how I felt for the majority of my life, and it feels good to be peeling out of that skin. Pardon the emo-ness.
Sleep evades me
A thousand words rush by in a blink of the eye.
My mind tossing & turning… 10,000 rpm
As I search for answers to questions
I can’t even begin to fathom
Blackness surrounds open and closed eyes
As I try to find that quiet place.
But silent words are too loud.
I ponder what I can’t be and what I am
Still not knowing the face I see when I look in the mirror,
Avoiding my own glance. Afraid of what I might see,
Or perhaps more afraid of what I don’t see.
Directionless in a world of signs pointing the wrong way.
Stepping into the unknown familiarity that is so comfortable it hurts.
Over & over again choices are made that lead no where,
Without purpose, except on the off chance
A brief moment of happiness might be found.
Identity lost and forgotten.
Hiding from all eyes.
Wishing I could see what they see…
Seeing everything they don’t.
Even what’s not really there.I really am reborn-ish I suppose
Comments (2)
Now, if you tattoo that prose upon your ass, the cycle is complete!
Sorry. Just a little levity. I wouldn’t have typed it if I didn’t think you’d spew chocolate milk through your nose as you read it, since, unlike 99-percent of the general population, you have an actual, bona-fide sense of humor. Please tell me that you just happened to be drinking chocolate milk at that moment…
And if you do get those words tattooed there, I hope that you have a really big blow-up donut…
Give ‘em Hell.