June 27, 2009

• Dear Mom, Sorry I’m drunk while I write this… but I know you’d not mind. Two years ago this hour. you were alive and awake. I think it was just around this time or within an hour of this moment you were going to bed, and told me to go to bed cause we were going to go do stuff the next morning, go for a drive I believe. I got up and gave you a hug and said it was ok, I’d go to bed soon, just to wake me up when you were ready to go somewhere. I went to bed 6 or 7 hours later as you were waking up.. and told you give me an hour sleep and I’d be fine.. I told you our raid in WoW had cleared an entire raid in one night so I was too excited to sleep at first. I was so stupidly proud of that. You called me darling I think and I said gnight and I love you. And I fell directly asleep  thinking how I needed to rest since you’d probably be waking me in an hour or 2.  About five hours later, I heard the power flicker and thought someone must have had an accident, and since the power flickered you’d be reminded to wake me up so I rolled over to grab a few more seconds of sleep. Minutes later Tonya’s mom is banging on my bedroom door telling me about the accident. 2 Years ago… I played my game all night and woke up to you dying. You’d be proud this year, mom… I went on a business trip.  And have 3 more weeks of business trips. I’m doing well, I pay for my own rental car, I’m keeping expense reports, I’m staying on my feet all day being positive and inspirational while training people. And not a day has passed this week I didn’t have a split second of wanting to call in and check with you to tell let you know I was ok, Cause I knew you’d be worrying and be proud to hear of what I was doing. I know you’re proud now too. The manager of the office I went to, she sent an email to my bosses.. saying how well I did, how much I was appreciated and that I was a strong leader. I’m doing all the things you said I could do. You were right all along. I might be making some mistakes as I try these new things, trying to try all these different things I’ve missed over the years. But I’m living again, and I think.. part of me is trying to live for both of us. I’m trying so very hard not to do anything you’d not be proud of but I know I’ve slipped a few times, but I know you forgive me, you’ve always forgiven us. You taught me so much, you taught me integrity, compassion, strength, you gave me an appreciation of your dry sense of humor and taught me how important it was to be intelligent. You taught me it was important to be self-sufficient, and to love your family indiscriminately. I was… I am.. so very proud of you, I told you that many times and I don’t know if you ever believed me. I truly believed you were the smartest person I ever knew and I always wanted to be more like you.. stronger like you too. I hope, I’m doing that now. I hope I’m using everything you taught me. And when we meet again, we can talk about everything … like we used to. So try to remember everything for me…. you know how I keep prying for those details.. how you feel, what you thought when something happened, your impressions .. all the annoying details. Two years and 6 hours ago… my world ended, I thought I’d never see you again and I wanted to die. This week, I saw you in everything I did, I heard you push away my doubt, I felt you hold my hand. I love you Mom… more than anything.

  • 1:21 am
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