March 25, 2009

• Repeating Pictures… I need an off switch. Every day on my drive to work, or home from work.. or when I get ready for work in the morning, or if I have too much idle time around the house or when I shower or don’t have something to read in the bathroom or clean house or am not watching tv or actively interested in what I’m watching on tv…. I think about my mom. I think about how much I miss her. On the way to and from work, I think about her accident, and going through it moment by moment either from when I heard the power flicker or starting when I got out of my neighbors car and started running to the truck… or when I actually saw my mom pinned under the car. It starts in different places. I see myself, 3rd person like.. doing all the what if’s.. and knowing that there’s nothing else I could have done besides have been driving the truck. I see myself trying to push a blazer that’s sitting on it’s roof on top of my mom… and then stopping because I knew there was no way to pull her out if I Was holding the truck and being afraid of hurting her worse. I hear myself yelling in frustration when I realized there wasn’t a damn thing I could do but help her breath. Over and over and over. I hear me begging her to open her eyes… yelling at her to fight for me… begging the first fireman on the scene to help me since I wasn’t sure if I was doing CPR right. Every day I see these things. I try and catch myself before the thoughts wander too far.. I physically jerk my head. Sometimes several times before I shake the images out of my head. Sometimes I have to dig my nails into my hands to get rid of it.  The pictures keep coming back, sometimes in a few minutes, sometimes in seconds. It’s like a damm of memories that ooze out. If let them play too long I cry and become deeply depressed. If I can cut them off and find something else to occupy my mind I’m still sad but I think that’s normal. I feel like I’m falling deeper and deeper into a funk. A friend of mine said I need to find something to look forward to. I need new friends or need to make plans. I have work “friends” but I don’t do anything with them outside work much anymore. I found the more I did non-work things with them, the more I fell into the gossip circle and I didn’t like how that made me feel. I started to lose respect for people I cared for at work, and I had to nip that in the bud.  I miss having my sister in law and nephew next door… since the house fire, they’re about 4 min down the road and it’s inconvenient to get in and out of their drive (long narrow drive I have to back out of or spend 3 min turning around in a very tiny space).. so I don’t make many night time visits on my way home from work, since it’s a pain to get out of the drive. So it’s like even that bond has been stretched thin. I see my nieces for maybe 3 hours every other weekend, since they have to go home early on Sundays and I work Friday and Saturday. I miss them. Years ago, I used to think about my family was my only connection to the real world. My only “real life” friends. And now with mom gone, I’ve lost my largest connection and the rest are barely even there. Even my cat was my 2nd best friend and he’s been gone close to a year now. I don’t want to be “community” involved to make friends as I think my community is full of jack asses and rednecks (it really is) and I don’t want to become too close to friends at work as I’m often in a supervisor position with them. I am not dating anyone right now (probably haven’t for years to be honest, regardless what I had with Cali boy) so I don’t have a significant other to confide in. I just don’t know how to get out of this downward spiral. I need… something. I need to be in love. I need someone to love me. And even if it’s not romantic love, I need love of a friend. I need to be able to share this ache with someone who WANTS to be there for me, to hold my hand. I need to break down with someone and have them be strong for me and put me back together again. And I just don’t see anywhere in my real life that fits the bill.  Don’t think I’m internalizing this stuff. I’m not. I cry every night. I just want it to get easier and I don’t know how to do that yet. So instead.. I’ll blog here. It does help push everything away some and I guess that’s the point of this place. Never really appreciated that till now I suppose. Edit: I think I understand this lyric much better ”To see his pain would be his greatest ambition” …  Why is it we all want others to see our pain so much. It’s not a sympathy thing… it’s more of a … way to fit in? To belong? I dunno. Just totally relating to that right now.

  • 11:18 pm
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