August 14, 2009
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Spinning Too Fast… gimme the black back, please.
My world is spinning right now… out of control. So much change, so many different experiences. From simple to complex. It’s overwhelming.
I find I’m desperately trying to fill this empty hole Ive had for sooooooooooooooooo many years. I made stupid decisions… and some smart ones. I have friends I love but am afraid of hurting. Maybe I should have stayed in my cave. Maybe that’s why I never ventured out. I feel like I’m breaking up things.. myself included. But the tastes of the blackness being gone… how do you invite that back?
So why so self destructive? Gonna make a list and brainstorm.. on 4th beer.
- Self Worth/Confidence
- Inexperience
- Fear of Being Alone
- Need for Contact
- Wanting More in this Miserable Existance
- Fear I’ll get More than I can cope with
- Trying to live too much at once.
- Trying to make the hurt stop.. even briefly
I wish…. I wish…. I could just go back to being .. me, who shunned all people.
Comments (2)
Texie, you may not care for my comment but I have to say it because I see that you are hurting. Pain in this world sometimes seems unbearable. I have learned one solid thing for sure in my 61 years. There is only one way to truly fill that hole in your life. Turn to your Lord and Savior. That is where your comfort lies.
I need to check your site more often.
Growing hurts, and in a job that travels, I would imagine that you feel like you are losing bonds to NC without starting new ones. You will always carry your home with you, however I know that doesn’t feel enough. The only way I see out is risking some more trust. you have to do this with 3 or 4 people, that way when one lets you down (and one will), there will be a net of support for you.
When I lived in NC (being a MD transplant), I was only able to build bonds with only one friend. Really, it was only a matter of time before I moved back. However, I look back on that crucible as a time that stretched me a person and prepared me for what lay ahead. Learning life lessons are hard, especially when you don’t know what you are learning or that you are learning them. It just hurts.
Understand though, you are moving into a new phase of your life. It is natural to feel the way you do when you are literally leaving everything you knew behind. I am sure you are feeling a little more than exposed. In time, you will be ok. You might even surprise yourself.
As always, the listening ear is offered if you need it.